Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Manny Pacquiao’s revelation that he had a talk with God has created an international sensation among cultists. In a rare interview, my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec reported his conversation with Manny.
James: Manny, is it really true that you had a talk with God as reported in the news? As you know, the only other person who claimed to have talked with God was President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.
Manny: Bah! Gloria is a phony balloon.
James: Huh? Phony balloon? Oh, you mean “phoney baloney”?
Manny: Same thing. I’m the only one …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
With former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada back in the campaign trail as a presidential candidate, it will be the season again for “Eraption” jokes. The following are some Eraptions that I found in the Internet:
How are a San Miguel beer bottle and Erap alike?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said “2 to 4 years!”
Why …

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Before filing her certificate of candidacy for congresswoman of Pampanga’s second district, Prez Gloria Arroyo attended a special mass at the St. Augustine Church in Lubao, Pampanga which was concelebrated by 22 priests. During the homily, Fr. Roland Moraleja said that the people in Pampanga need the leadership of Arroyo. He likened Gloria to Jesus Christ who “went down to serve” the people. It sounded like the “second coming” of Jesus Christ… or is it the Anti-Christ?
Is Gloria the Anti-Christ? If you count the number of letters …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
Folks, it’s election time and it’s time again to dream the “impossible dream.” Why not? To dream the “impossible dream” is better than not to dream at all. But there are also those who made their “impossible dream” come true. Diosdado Macapagal, the poor boy from Lubao, made it… and then screwed it up! Erap Estrada made it… and then blew it! Gloria Macapagal Arroyo made it… and then messed up everything! And there are still some people who wanna be president? They must be gluttons for …

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao’s victory over Miguel Cotto for the world welterweight title made him a national hero and an international sensation. And “Pacman Mania” struck Pinoys worldwide. Pacman! Pacman! Pacman!
During an interview with Pacman, American actor and TV talk show host Mario Lopez told him that he is the greatest Asian to invade the west since Genghis Khan. Pacman grinned.
Lopez then asked Pacman whom would he like to play Pacman in a movie. “Filipino or American?” asked Pacman. Lopez replied, “Either one.” Pacman paused and then said, …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

When Chiz Escudero bolted the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC) two weeks ago, I called that “bolt, shake, and roll.” That’s right, after bolting NPC, he’s been shaking and rolling, not knowing what to do next.
After Chiz bolted, Loren Legarda said that she might be the vice presidential running mate of Manny Villar or Gibo Teodoro. She said, she’ll soon announce her presidential running mate. “Shake, baby, shake.”
Last week, it was reported that Lakas-Kampi-CMD had given up on Loren. Poor Gibo, he’s like a suitor jilted by the …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo — daughter of Diosdado Macapagal, the “poor boy from Lubao,” who became president in 1961 — is rumored to be going back to her roots. She built a 400-square-meter house in Lubao and it looks like she’s going to run for the congressional district seat currently occupied by her son, Mikey. I wonder how Mikey feels being told by his mama to “scoot over”? He should move to California and live in his beach front mansion and hang out in karaoke joints and …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

 
When Sen. Francis “Chiz” Escudero dropped a bombshell the other day with his announcement that he bolted from the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC), it stunned the public. The unexpected happened and all of a sudden the country was buzzing with “chizmis” about Chiz and his “machizmo.” It was a day when “chizmosos” and “chizmosas” dominated the media. Scoop here and scoop there. Some scooped some good scoop and some scooped pure dirt. Well folks, it’s “Chizmisan” time again.
One of the “chizmis” that’s been …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
Finally, Sen. Loren Legarda officially declared her candidacy for vice president at a rally in Luneta. But she didn’t say who would be her presidential running mate. According to her, she was courted by five presidential wannabes to be their vice presidential running mate. Yeah, the boys were all singing, “Loren, Loren sinta, sa akin ka pumunta.” (Loren, Loren my love, come to me.) But it’s now down to three: Gibo Teodoro, Manny Villar, and Chiz Escudero.
Rumor has it that Loren has been offered a “king’s …

Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec told me of a story he heard. The story goes: Gloria Arroyo was applying for a permit to build her own ark. “You need to put two of each kind in it,” said Noah, “so they can breed while afloat.” “Oh,” Gloria shot back with as much sweetness she could muster. “But I only need one each of my Cabinet, one each of my congressmen, one each of my presidential staff, and one each of the church men on my side …