Illustration by Dave San Pedro

First, there were allegations that Manny Villar — a.k.a. “Money Villarroyo” — tried to bribe Joseph “Erap” Estrada to withdraw from the presidential race. Then Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile exposed an attempt by Villar last year to bribe him to go easy on him on the C-5 road extension investigation. And then Dick Gordon exposed Villar for offering a bribe and a cabinet position in Villar’s administration if he withdrew his signature from the Senate committee report recommending censure for Villar in connection with the C-5 road extension controversy.

Recently, Nicanor “Nicky” Perlas revealed that two leading rivals have tried to buy him out of the race by offering a spot in their senatorial line-up, including an all-expense paid campaign. I don’t think Noynoy Aquino would want to buy him out. Not with his frontrunner status. Besides, Noynoy — unlike Money Villarroyo — doesn’t have the kind of moolah to bribe anybody.

With news reports about Money Villarroyo bribing (lagay) his rivals to withdraw from the presidential derby, it reminds me of King Louis XI of France who had a proclivity for buying out his enemies instead of fighting them. Money Villarroyo’s similarly strange behavior seems to manifest a new kind of disorder: “Villalagay Syndrome,” which is, “if you can’t beat them, buy them; if you can’t buy them, cheat them.” 

A few days ago, Comelec chairman Jose Melo told politicians to forget about cheating in the coming elections because the Automated Election System (AES) is tamper-proof. He suggested, “It’s better for them (candidates) to just buy the election by paying their rivals to withdraw.” Asked if he would give the same advice to Villarroyo, Melo said, “Even if he has the money, he can’t buy everything.” Oh, yeah? What Manny wants, money gets.

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec got a inside scoop from “Deep Truth,” his informant in the Villarroyo camp. According to “Deep Truth,” Villarroyo is putting together a plan to buy out all his rivals in the race. But Gloria found out about his plan and demanded that he pays her a “tongpat” (commission) of 25% of the lagay to ensure that the AES machines will not be tampered by the notorious “Garci Boys.” “But Melo said the AES machines are tamper-proof,” Villarroyo protested. “Ha ha ha,” Gloria laughed. “Listen, did you read what that whistle-blower Joey de Venecia say about the AES machines?” “Yeah,” Villarroyo responded, “Joey said that ‘one need not be a rocket scientist to maneuver the outcome—and some 30 people can do the job.’ Is it really that easy?” “Yup, it’s that simple,” Gloria quipped. “Okay, I’ll pay you your tongpat then,” Villarroyo said.

***

A few days ago, the Comelec agreed with Noynoy to disqualify presidential candidate Vetellano Acosta. Rumors were going around that Acosta bribed the Comelec commissioners P5 million each to be certified as a presidential candidate. Now that he’s disqualified, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants his lagay back. Sorry, pal, but in this business, lagay is not refundable.

Noynoy must be ecstatic right now. First he was chosen among the top five “most trusted” Filipinos in a recent Reader’s Digest Poll while Villarroyo placed 60th in a field of 80 known personalities. Secondly, Pulse Asia’s new survey showed his lead widening over Villarroyo by 7%.

But the most improved is Nicky Perlas whose rating increased by a whopping 400% from .05% to .2%. Nicky should be able to catch up in 10 years. He should drop out of the race though; otherwise, he’d become known as “dakilang panggulo” (magnificent spoiler).

Dick Gordon’s rating remains at 1% while his nephew John Carlos “JC” de los Reyes dropped from 0.3% to zero! I think it’s about time for Flashy Dick and JC to drop out of the race; otherwise, they’d become known as the Don Quixote and Sancho Panza of politics.

Erap Estrada’s rating increased by 6%. He’s confident that he’ll win. He said that the “Erap magic” is still alive. Well, Noynoy claims that the “Cory magic” can work miracles for him. But the people should be wary about Villarroyo because his “money-making magic” has been working wonders for him… like the C-5 double insertion magic, the Savannah land conversion magic, and the Norzagaray land grabbing magic.

Meanwhile, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro is making a lot of promises. He promised to work to sustain an economic growth of 8%. I think he’s beginning to think like Gloria where she would add 5% to everything, including her “tongpats.” Gibo also vowed not to appoint any of his campaign contributors to his government. Huh? Do you think that they would want to be appointed to his government? Hindi sila lokoloko (They’re not crazy). But what they want is to get a part of the action. Hey, they’re all businessmen, so they’d want a return of their investments! Right?

Villarroyo boasted that because he’s spending his own money in his campaign, he doesn’t have to repay anybody when he’s elected President. Sino ang niloloko niya? (Who is he fooling?) Of course he will repay himself, he’s a businessman!

***

Noynoy invaded “Marcos country” the other day. He told Imelda’s province mates that Gloria is the issue today, not Marcos anymore. But didn’t Noynoy promise last year that if he’s elected President his first act would be to recover the Marcos loot and return it to the people? Well, that was last year. Recently, Noynoy found out that Gloria had already recovered the Marcos loot… and she hid it. That is why Noynoy is going after Gloria’s loot.

Talking about the Imeldific… Imelda is running for Congress but not to represent her home province Leyte. She is running for her late husband’s Ilocos Norte district. She’d better watch out! She may consider herself an “Ilocana by injection” but unless she can drink basi and eat kilawen, kaldereta, jumping shrimps, and fried beetles, she won’t be accepted as an Ilocana.

Meanwhile, Villarroyo promised the Ilocanos that if they vote for him, he will transfer Marcos’ remains to the Libingan ng mga Bayani (Heroes’ Cemetery) in Metro Manila. He was shocked when he found out that the Ilocanos didn’t want Marcos’ body removed from his mausoleum in Batac, Ilocos Norte. The Marcos mausoleum — air-conditioned with piped-in music 24/7 — is Batac’s number one tourist attraction. Villarroyo should learn how the Ilocano psyche works before opening his mouth.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

Presidential wannabe Noynoy Aquino may not have billions to spend in his campaign, but he sure has a lot of guts! At a rally of thousands of his “Yellow Army” supporters, he warned corrupt officials that their days were numbered. That’s gutsy! Not too long ago, Noynoy promised that he’ll recover the Marcos “loot.” That’s gutsy! And recently, he promised that he’d prosecute President Gloria Arroyo for plunder if he’s elected President. Now, that’s really gutsy! No guts, no Gloria!

During the 24th anniversary of the EDSA People Power revolution at the People Power Monument, Gloria said that her vision to “heal the wounds of the past EDSA uprisings has been partially met.” According to her, “healing the wounds of Edsa is a part of her 10-point pro-poor agenda.” “Healing the wounds of Edsa”? Hmmm…

Well, here’s what I wrote in my article, “Power of the Pork,” a few weeks ago:

“Biggest pork barrel in history: In 2005, Gloria used more than P80 billion for pork barrel — that’s 10 times the normal amount! — for projects in which most were shrouded in mystery. More than half of this — P46.8 billion — were allocated for ‘Healing of Edsa I, II and III Funds.’ When asked in a radio interview, then Budget Secretary Romulo Neri explained that the P46.8-billion ‘healing of Edsa wounds’ fund included P29 billion for ‘back pension payments for retired Armed Forces of the Philippines and Philippine National Police personnel.’ That’s a hell of a lot of money! Shouldn’t they be included in the Department of National Defense and Philippine National Police budgets? Or was it used surreptitiously to keep the military ‘loyal’ to Gloria during the ‘Hello Garci’ election cheating scandal and Edsa III uprising?” Yup, as Gloria’s granddaughter once said, “What Lola want, Lola gets.”

Gloria also said, “The world embraced EDSA I in 1986. The world tolerated EDSA II in 2001. The world will not forgive an EDSA III but would instead condemn the Philippines as a country whose political system is hopelessly unstable.” Huh? And I thought Gloria’s EDSA II was what made the country’s political system “hopelessly unstable.” Kurakot na, mahirap pa. Wah wah we! Kawawa naman kami!

Gloria also claimed that the “Glorious Revolution” had deteriorated into partisanship over the years.” She’s right. EDSA I was the “Glorious Revolution” and EDSA II was “Gloria’s Revolution,” and it’s been downhill since then. And if there’s going to be EDSA III, what should it be called? Let’s see…

Photo by Equalizer Post

Noynoy’s “Yellow Army” celebrated the “People Power” in the jam-packed Araneta Coliseum with 30,000 Coristas, Ninoyistas, Noynoyistas, and Liberalistas. The sea of yellow was a breath-taking sight.

Photo by Equalizer Post

Meanwhile, Manny “Money Villarroyo” Villar had a campaign swing featuring go-go girls clad in bikinis gyrating on stage to an audience of salivating Villaristas, Marcos loyalistas, Nacionalistas, and communistas. In the old days, that’s called “burlesque.” Oh, well, that’s the sign of the times. What Manny wants, money gets.

The other day, Noynoy accused Villarroyo of stealing his line. According to Noynoy, Villarroyo stole his slogan, “Hindi ako magnanakaw” (I will not steal). In one of his campaign sorties, Villarroyo said, “Sa harap ninyo, sa mata ng Diyos, hindi ako nagnakaw … Hindi ako magnanakaw” (In your presence and in the eyes of God, I did not steal … I will not steal). Well, after nine years under Gloria Arroyo’s corrupt regime, it makes one wonder if there’s anything left to steal.

But what’s going on with the other eight presidential wannabes? Gloria’s hand-picked candidate Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro is finally feeling the effect of Gloria’s “kiss of death.” He’s now distancing himself from Gloria by not talking about Gloria’s legacy. It won’t be long before he’d realize that it’s time to abort and join the “Yellow Army” of his cousin, Noynoy.

***

I read that two VIPs whose endorsements could be “kiss of death” to the candidate are former President Fidel V. Ramos and boxing icon Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao. Ramos said that he’ll make his endorsement by the end of March or early April. I can hear most of the candidates saying, “Please not me!” But not Richard “Flashy Dick” Gordon. With a 1% rating in the poll surveys and a shoe-string campaign budget, what has he got to lose?

In the case of Pacman, he said that he’ll start campaigning for Villarroyo, his “beloved president,” after his fight with Joshua Clottey. For someone who claims that he had a talk with God, Pacman is becoming a joker. And the joker is wild, man! He should stay sway from Villarroyo’s go-go girls during the campaign. Some people say that Pacman has an eye for beautiful girls.

***

Former President Joseph “Erap” Estrada claimed that an opponent urged him to withdraw from the presidential derby and offered to reimburse all his campaign expenses if he quit. Well, with his funds drying up, Erap should take the offer and call it quits. Heck, he can always claim that he already spent P2 billion. I’m pretty sure that Money Villarroyo wouldn’t blink an eye to shell out that kind of money. With that kind of money, Erap can retire in his “Boracay” mansion.

***

A few days ago, Villarroyo was criticized for giving P20 bills to several street children who approached him during a campaign swing in Batangas. That’s nothing. They’re just children, not voters. I think he was just practicing the art of “vote-buying.”

In another instance, Villarroyo got himself in trouble with the Commission on Elections (Comelec). Comelec said that a disqualification case may be filed against him “for violating the Omnibus Election Code (OEC) after giving away scholarship grants to his supporters.” Whoa! That’s vote-buying, clear and simple! Section 261 of the OEC states that “vote-buying is when a person ‘gives, offers or promises money or anything of value’ in order to induce anyone to vote for or against any candidate.” Now, that is serious.

But in another instance, Villarroyo got himself in big trouble. This time, it’s with the military. According the military spokesman, Villarroyo’s group “violated an agreement that they would not conduct any form of campaigning inside the highly-restricted military compound.” Villarroyo and his group met with detained Marine Col. Ariel Querubin — who is running for Senator under Villarroyo’s party — in Camp Aguinaldo. They then locked arms and made a “unity walk” inside the camp. The military spokesman said that “the unity walk” violated standing regulations of the military banning any political activity in all its camps. Now, that is very serious. Villarroyo should know better than not to mess around with the military. Villarroyo may have lots of money but the military have lots of guns… and sometimes they shoot first before they ask questions.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

In July this year, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo is expected to be chosen Speaker of the House of Representatives. And four other members of the Arroyo dynasty will be Representatives: Gloria’s two sons, Mikey and Dato; her brother-in-law Iggy; and her sister-in-law Lourdes. The House of Representatives will soon be known as the “House of Arroyo.”

But for Gloria to become Speaker, she must first win the election in the 2nd Congressional District of Pampanga. Well, if you listen to Gloria’s rival, Adonis Simpao, it looks like she will have the fight of her life. It’s going to be like the biblical battle between David and Goliath. Yup, it’s going to be Adonis vs. Gloriath.

Recently, Gloria announced that she was going on a “charm offensive” around the country because she wants to change the people’s impression of her by promoting her “legacy.” What legacy? Well, let’s see: legacy of corruption, legacy of poverty… Yup, she sure is going to leave a lot of legacies behind. Wah wah we!

But according to Gloria’s Exec Secretary, Eduardo Ermita, Gloria wants to reconcile with her enemies and detractors before she steps down. Gloria said she didn’t want to step down with a heavy heart. Or perhaps she’s scared that her enemies and detractors would file plunder charges against her when she steps down. Like they say, it couldn’t happen to a nicer person.

Sen. Aquilino “Nene” Pimentel Jr. told Gloria bluntly: “Admit first you erred.” Whoa! If Gloria would admit that she erred, then she should also return her “loot” to the people, and as Bishop Oscar Cruz — who threatened her with excommunication — told her: “Confess your sins.” Now, these are tall orders and I doubt if Gloria would comply to their demands.

But somebody took her up. Former House Speakers Joe de Venecia reconciled with Gloria. Why not? With De Venecia’s perceived influence over 50 congressmen, Gloria needs Joe in her bid for the Speakership in July.

But what’s in it for Joe? For one thing, Joe’s wife, Gina, was tickled pink when the couple reconciled with Gloria. Happy days are here again! Now, they can all go golfing in China again and hobnob with high Chinese officials. They should bring their caddy with them, former Comelec Chairman and “fixer extraordinaire” Benjamin Abalos. He’s good at making deals at the golf course. Remember the ZTE/NBN scandal? Well, the project didn’t go through but somebody high up pocketed a huge non-refundable commission — or “tongpat” — from the Chinese. But, hey, the Chinese are pretty smart, you can’t fool them a second time.

***

Gloria’s “anointed” candidate, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro put his foot in his mouth when he vowed to “put the economy in order once he is elected by working for a sustained annual growth of 8%.” Well, last year’s economic growth was 0.9% under Gloria, his mentor. Since he promised to run the government the way Gloria ran it, how could Gibo expect to increase growth to 8% annually and sustain it? Back to the drawing board, Gibo… or better, back to school.

Gibo has been winning in mock polls in university campuses. Well, the students probably thought that he was running for president of their student council. With an anemic 4% rating in recent poll surveys, perhaps Gibo should enroll in a university and run for student council president. In six years, he can try again to run for president of the country.

Meanwhile, Gibo’s cousin and presidential frontrunner Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III challenged his closest rival, Manny “Money Villarroyo” Villar, to a debate. Villarroyo accepted the challenge with one condition: “no hitting below the belt.” Huh? I don’t know if asking Villarroyo to explain the C-5 corruption scandal would constitute “hitting below the belt”? It’s not. But it sure would hit him where it hurts most: his character. But why would he care about his “character” when he has lots of moolah to buy the presidency? What Manny wants, money gets.

The other day, Gibo and another presidential wannabe, former President Joseph “Erap” Estrada attended the 25th Feast of the “Tabernacles of the Kingdom of Jesus Christ, The Name Above Every Name,” hoping that the charismatic and influential Pastor Apollo Quiboloy would endorse one of them.

A few weeks ago, Pastor Q said that during the 2004 campaign, the Almighty Father revealed Gloria to him. He said that the Divine Providence told him that Gloria was the anointed leader of the country when she was running for president in 2004. No wonder Gibo and Erap are competing for Pastor Q’s endorsement.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

Text message of the week: “Now the cat’s out of the bag… Manny Villar is the secret candidate of GMA… Mike Arroyo himself met with Villar at the house of Mike Defensor last Jan. 7… Villar secretly agreed to make GMA as Speaker of the House and protect her should Villar win the presidency… Villar agreed to GMA’s offer of massive logistical support in GMA’s commissioners in the Comelec who will assure Villar’s victory…” (GMA is the acronym of prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo). Like a virus, the text message spread like wild fire. Yup, that’s the power of the text and the Philippines is the “texting capital” of the world.

Is the text message true? Well, as I said in last week’s column, “Gloria loves money, Manny loves glory.” And as the old adage says, “Love of money is the root of all evil,” I must add that “Glory is the best aphrodisiac!” So, one can say that the Villar-Arroyo — or Villarroyo – “marriage” may have been made in Heaven but it definitely was consummated in Hell. Kawawa naman ang mga Pinoy, mahirap na, nasa impiyerno pa (Poor Pinoys, they’re already poor and now they’re going to Hell).

With the Villarroyo “marriage” what’s going to happen to Gloria’s “baby,” presidential wannabe Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro? Just read the newspapers: Malacañang says, “Gilbert Teodoro Jr. can successfully run his electoral campaign without help from President Arroyo.” That’s strike one! Malacañang says, “President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will likely keep away from the sorties of administration standard bearer Gilberto “Gibo” Teodoro Jr. during the entire campaign period.” Strike two! In a recent press briefing Gloria’s new Press Secretary, Cris Icban Jr., said that Gloria “deliberately decided that Gibo stands on his own.” Strike three! Perhaps it’s time for Gibo to cut his losses and get behind his cousin, Noynoy Aquino, whose lead over Money Villarroyo is down to only 2 percent.

During his proclamation rally, Gibo vowed to “scour the remotest of towns to win over the voters and drawing on Star trek’s line, ‘where no man has gone before’.” Well, he better make sure he knows how to get back home; otherwise, it’s “bye, baby, bye.”

Another text message that’s been going around in cyberspace is:

NOYNOY: Di ako magnanakaw! (I’m not going to steal!)

GIBO: Di ko na kailangang magnakaw! (I don’t need to steal!)

VILLAR: Di na ako magnanakaw! (I’ll stop stealing!)

ERAP: Kailangan ko uling magnakaw! (I need to steal again!)

GMA: Wala na kayong mananakaw! (Nothing is left for your to steal!)

Presidential wannabe Richard “Flashy Dick” Gordon and his running mate, Bayani Fernando — who call themselves, “transformers” — started their campaign riding a pink and blue truck which they dubbed, “Optimum Prime.” They said that they’re running their campaign on a “shoestring budget.” With their gas-guzzling truck, they might run out of money pretty soon and finish their campaign riding on a carabao.

Meanwhile, Flashy Dick’s nephew, John Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, who is also running for president, started his campaign going house to house in Olongapo City distributing flyers and pins to voters. Now, that’s what I call a real “grassroots” campaign. It might take him 10 years to cover all the cities and towns in the country, but that’s okay. By that time, he’d be old enough to become president. Perhaps, he should quit his quixotic quest and volunteer to be his uncle’s truck driver. That would save Flashy Dick a few bucks for gas.

But I must take my hat off to Bro. Eddie Villanueva who did a spectacular gimmickry to kickoff his campaign. He unfurled the world’s biggest Philippine flag at the Rizal Park. The flag measured 180 meters by 92 meters, weighed 3.8 tons, and covered a 2-hectare area. But something was missing they didn’t have a flagpole! It would have been breathtaking to see the huge flag on a flagpole as tall as the 2,700-foot Khalifa Tower in Dubai. But Bro. Eddie could just have used the P10 million spent on the flag to feed the poor. That’s a lot of rice. Wah wah we!

Manny Villar — aka “Money Villarroyo” — had celebrities grace his kickoff including “Wowowee” host Willie Revillame and Comedy King Dolphy. But Money Villarroyo was angry when a text message started going around saying that he bribed Dolphy P30 million for his endorsement. See what happens when you have lots and lots of money? Yup, you can buy the presidency. And you can always recover your “investment” and much more than you can imagine. Like they say, “it comes with the territory.”

I saw a YouTube video of people endorsing Villar. They’re saying that “Manny Villar will make this country great again!” Déjà vu! Didn’t Ferdinand Marcos use the slogan, “This nation can be great again!”? Instead, the country became the “Sick Man of Asia” under his dictatorship. Well, if that is the vision of “Money Villarroyo,” then the people should be ready for the return of the “Sick Man.”

However, if Gloria succeeds in changing the government to a parliamentary system and become the Prime Minister next year, the country will continue to be known as the “Armpit of Asia.”

Late last year, after the flooding in Manila caused by Typhoon Ondoy, many supporters of Gloria suggested to move the seat of government to Pampanga, her home province. Well, if Gloria remains in power, it could happen. Now, we know why Gov. Fr. Ed Panlilio was ousted the other day by the Comelec “Hit Squad.” With the Jueteng Lord’s wife — Gloria’s “kumadre” — going to be installed as governor of the “Jueteng Vatican” province, Gloria would have immense power and lots of moolah.

Now, I’m beginning to see the big picture when Press Secretary Icban likened Gloria to Ferdinand Marcos. Yup, with Gloria as Prime Minister, she’d try to stay in power until her dream of transforming the country into an “Enchanted Kingdom” is realized. Don’t hold your breath folks ‘cuz that could take some time.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by David San Pedro

In 1565, Spanish conquistador Miguel Lopez de Legazpi arrived on the shores of Cebu and established his rule in the name of “God, Glory, and Gold.” Four centuries later, in the 1965 presidential election, Ferdinand Marcos defeated President Diosdado Macapagal and established a dictatorship using “Guns, Goons, and Gold.” In 2001, Vice President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ousted Presidency Joseph “Erap” Estrada and began her reign for “Gloria, Glory, and Gold.” In 2010, Manny Villar wants to become President at all costs using “Gold, Gold, and Gold.” With a net worth of P43 billion, Villar could easily buy the presidency. Yup, what Manny wants, money gets.

Villar is so filthy rich that columnist Lito Banayo called him, “Money Villarroyo.” I can understand “Money,” but why “Villarroyo”? Well, Lito believes that Villar is Gloria’s “secret candidate.” And this led presidential wannabe Noynoy Aquino to accuse Manny and Gloria of having an “unholy alliance.” Hey, if you don’t believe it, just follow Manny’s money and see if it leads to the palace by the Pasig river.

And what will happen now to Gloria’s anointed presidential candidate, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro? Well, with his poor ratings in recent poll surveys, I wonder why he’s still in the race? He should read the handwriting on the wall, which says: “Gloria loves money and Manny loves glory.” Yup, it’s the “love story” of the year.

The recent SWS survey shows Noynoy Aquino with 42%; Money Villar with 35%; former prez Joseph “Erap” Estrada with 13%; Gibo Teodoro with 4%; Richard “Flashy Dick” Gordon and Brother Eddie Villanueva with 2% each; Maria Ana Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal with 0.4%; Vetellano Acosta with 0.3%; John Carlos de los Reyes with 0.2%; and Nick Perlas with 0.1%. What in Heaven’s name are the seven “tailenders” doing in the race? Can’t they see the handwriting on the wall? It says, “IT’S OVER.”

But like they say, “It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.” Well, the “tailenders” aren’t quitting yet. Gibo believes that members of his party, Lakas-Kampi-CMD, will deliver the votes in their bailiwicks. He’s right! They’re delivering the votes to someone, but not to Gibo. Like they say, “BS walks and money talks.” And Money Villarroyo has all the money to do the talking.

Flashy Dick believes that his “Bagumbayan” (New Nation) followers will deliver the votes. But that’s only 2% of the total votes! Can’t he see the numbers?

Brother Eddie believes that his “Jesus is Lord” followers are going to perform miracles for him. Sorry, brother, but only money can perform miracles during elections.

Jamby believes that she’ll win because she’s the only woman in the race. Sorry, Jamby, but Erap has already sewn up all the women’s votes.

Vetellano Acosta believes that the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos’ followers will vote for him. Sorry, Vetellano, but Da Apo’s son, Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr., is running for Senator under Villar’s Nacionalista Party and he promised to deliver the “Solid North” to Villar.

The youthful John Carlos believes that the youth will vote for him. Sorry, JC, but they aren’t of voting age yet. Better luck next time, kiddo.

Nick believes that his pro-environment programs will get him the votes. Nick should get this in his head: the people need shelter, food, and jobs. Giving them rolls of toilet paper isn’t going to win elections.

###

Over the past couple of weeks, the Senate was transformed into a circus! The rambunctious “Gang of 12” tried to censure Villar for ethics violation involving the controversial C-5 road extension “double insertion” scandal. With only 11 senators present, one in detention, another one on the lam, and Villar’s allies boycotting the session, the Senate was “comatose” without a quorum.

Furious for the Villaristas’ boycott, Jamby Madrigal, the main complainant against Villar, called Villar a “corrupt” and “evil candidate.” She said, “He thinks he can buy everything, including Malacañang.” Duh? Jamby should know, “What Manny wants, money gets.”

###

How did Smartactic, Inc. get the Automated Election System (AES) contract? The story goes: There were three bidders for AES. The bidders were asked to demonstrate the speed of transmitting the ballot data to the Central Canvassing Center (CCC).

Safe N Accurate, Inc. fed the marked ballot into the Precinct Count Optical Scanner (PCOS) machine and the data was received and recorded at the CCC in one minute. “Very good,” said the Comelec commissioners.

Next was Fast and Quick, Inc. They fed the marked ballot into the PCOS machine and the data was received and recorded at the CCC in 30 seconds. “Fantastic!” said the commissioners.

Last was Smartactic, Inc. They fed the marked ballot into the PCOS machine and nothing happened. One of the commissioners called the CCC and said, “The ballot was fed into the PCOS machine at 30 seconds past 9:30 AM. What time did you receive the data?” “Something must have gone wrong, commissioner,” replied the CCC operator. “Tell me exactly what happened?” the commissioner said. “Well,” the operator said, “we received the data at 32 seconds past 9:30 AM, commissioner. But what is strange is that the data was recorded 25 seconds past 9:30 AM. It was recorded seven seconds before we received the data! And the numbers didn’t match!” The commissioner replied, “That’s exactly how we wanted it to work. By the way, may I know whom I’m talking to?” “This is Garci. I gotta go, sir, I have a call waiting on the other line,” the operator said and hung up.

“Hello, Garci,” said the person on the other line. “Yes, ma’am. This is Garci. Everything works just the way you wanted it, ma’am. Your presidential candidate will win in the elections, ma’am.” The following day, Comelec awarded the AES contract to Smartactic, Inc.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

Recently, Sen. Joker Arroyo compared the situation faced by his friend Sen. Manuel “Titanic Manny” Villar to what the martyred Sen. Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino Jr. faced during the martial law era. No kidding! Let’s see. Ninoy said, “The Filipino is worth dying for,” and he did. Titanic Manny can say, “The Filipino is worth getting rich for.” He is now filthy rich… and getting richer every minute of the day. Indeed, there is a comparison.

I don’t blame Ninoy’s son, presidential wannabe Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, for telling Joker, “Don’t compare Senator Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar’s situation to what my father faced under the martial law government of the late President Ferdinand Marcos.” Well, what do you expect to hear from a joker? Word of wisdom? Nah!

Noynoy’s spokesperson piggybacked, “There is simply no comparison; Ninoy is a hero. Villar is nothing but a coward.” Touché.

This reminds me when presidential wannabe Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro was compared to the late President Manuel L. Quezon by his handlers. Let’s see how they compare. The fiery Quezon once said, “My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my country begins.” Well, Gibo left his Uncle Danding’s party, the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC), to join President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s party. Gibo should use this line as his battle cry: “My loyalty to NPC ends where my loyalty to Gloria begins.” That should rally all of Gloria’s boys behind him.

But Gloria has a new man now — Titanic Manny Villar. Columnist Lito Banayo said that Villar is Gloria’s “secret candidate.” Another columnist suggested that if Titanic Manny is elected president, he should change his last name to “Villarroyo.” He’d be the first “Arroyo tuta” (Arroyo lapdog) to become president of the Philippines. Woof woof.

With Gloria becoming the next Speaker of the House of Representatives and Justice Renato Corona appointed by Gloria as the next Chief Justice, the three branches of government could be under the “House of Arroyo” — President Manny Villarroyo, Senate President Joker Arroyo, Speaker Gloria Arroyo, and Chief Justice Renato Coronarroyo. Yup, 2010 is going to be the “Year of the Tuta.”

Meanwhile, a moro-moro war has been going in the Senate between Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile and Titanic Manny over the Senate investigation on the “double insertion” corruption scandal implicating Titanic Manny. But Titanic Manny is waging the war by remote control using his four lapdogs… err, allies. He refused to face his accusers. This led Enrile and Sen. Jamby Madrigal to call him, “Coward!” Ugh! That hurts.

Jamby also called Titanic Manny’s allies (Senators Nene Pimentel, Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Alan Cayetano, and Joker Arroyo), “Villar’s Express Choo-choo train.” Sounds like the popular 50’s song, “Choo choo train, chugging down the track, Gotta travel on, never coming back. Ooh! Got a one way ticket to the blues…” Yup, the “double insertion” corruption scandal could be Titanic Manny’s “one way ticket to the blues.”

And to the blues Titanic Manny will go if what Enrile has reportedly said would happen, “If his (Villar’s) case is brought to a court of law, he will be jailed. We have evidence and based on the evidence, it says (Villar is) guilty.” Now, that’s what I call, “hardball politics,” and Enrile is very good at it.

The moro-moro got so hot that Enrile’s majority bloc declared a ceasefire. The minority bloc wasn’t too happy. Joker Arroyo told the media, “We are ready for interpellation, we are ready for debate, we are ready for the vote since yesterday.” Now, who’s coward? I guess, this will end just like past Senate investigations — in limbo. The senators should start a new line dancing called — Limbo-limbo. It’s a cross between Macarena and Ocho-ocho.

I think it’s about time for the abolition of the Senate. They should just let the rowdy kids in the House of Representatives do all the infighting. At least nobody would call for a ceasefire… until Gloria tells them to stop! Yup, what Lola wants, Lola gets.

It’s funny, but 12 years ago then Rep. Joker Arroyo delivered a privilege speech attacking then Speaker Manny Villar for the same reason that Villar is now being attacked by Enrile, corruption. It’s amazing how Joker forgot what he told the whole world 12 years ago. Or should I say, “why” he forgot? Maybe he had a bout of “selective amnesia.”? Didn’t someone once say, “There are no permanent friends, no permanent enemies, only permanent self-interest.” Makes one wonder what “interest” Titanic Manny and Da Joker have in common? Hmmm…

The other day, Enrile dropped a bombshell when he claimed that Titanic Manny tried to bribe him in exchange for a “favorable decision on the chamber’s investigation of the controversy surrounding the C-5 road extension project.” What? Another bribery case? The last time the Senate investigated a bribery case involving prez Gloria and hubby Mike Arroyo, the senators were taken for a dizzying merry-go-round ride for several weeks. Nothing happened. Yup, what Lola wants, Lola gets.

Self-proclaimed international lawyer and perennial candidate Ely “Spike Boy” Pamatong is back at what he does best — making trouble. This time he was jailed for direct contempt for calling Comelec commissioners, “thieves”! He accused the commissioners of accepting P5 million each from Vetellano Acosta who is running for president under the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, Marcos’ old party. Comelec reconsidered Acosta’s candidacy and allowed him to run while they disallowed Pamatong. Pamatong should know by now that BS walks and money talks. Yup, no money, no honey.

Two years ago, Pamatong sued Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales for “human rights violations,” for forcing him to believe in Catholic doctrines, for swindling (tithes or offerings), and for noise disturbance (loud speakers mounted in churches). I won’t be surprised if Pamatong’s name is already on St. Peter’s shit list.

Reminds me of a story which goes: When Gloria Arroyo passed away, she thought that she’ll never be allowed to enter Heaven so she went directly to Hell. “I’m sorry, Gloria,” Satan said, “but you’re not on my list. You should go to Heaven. You might be on Peter’s list.” Gloria got excited and she ran like hell to Heaven. “St. Peter! St. Peter! Satan said I might be on your list.” St. Peter looked up his list several times and said, “Nope. You’re not on my list.” “But I’m not on Satan’s list either,” Gloria insisted. “Well, let me see my other list,” St. Peter said. “Aha! You’re on this list! Actually, you‘re the only one on this list. It’s the shit list, Gloria. You’re assigned to clean up the toilets 24/7 for the rest of your stay here.”

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

In a recent interview with the media, presidential wannabe Manny Villar said that “it’s about time the Philippines has its first business-titan president.” And then he went on to portray frontrunner Noynoy Aquino as “a ‘babe in the woods’ who knew nothing about running a company or a bureaucracy, or even a family.” Whoa! That’s below the belt, Manny! It looks like this is going to be like the biblical battle between David and Goliath. Yup, it is going to be “Babe in the Woods” vs. “Titanic Manny.”

During a presidential debate, Titanic Manny questioned Noynoy’s ability to implement real reforms. Noynoy came swinging out saying that Titanic Manny didn’t take the lead in questioning the scandals in Gloria’s administration. “When push came to shove, where were you? What have you done?” Noynoy said. Actually, Titanic Manny did a lot of things… that is, making lots of money for himself.

Well folks, name-calling in the presidential campaign has started. Everybody is fair game and anything goes — below or above the belt. Sen. Dick “Flashy Dick” Gordon, another presidential wannabe, asked Titanic Manny if he was just running for President to protect his businesses. Titanic Manny complained on radio, “They’re ganging up on me.” No, sir! They just want to know the truth about the C-5 “double insertion” scandal. Right on, Dick!

Dick also asked President Macapagal Arroyo, who is running for Congress, if she was running to conceal her sins? What sins? Does Dick know something we don’t know about? It’s getting hotter over there. Whew!

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile was targeted by supporters of Titanic Manny in the Senate for authoring the committee report that found him guilty of ethics violations in regard to the “double insertion” scandal. A coup against Enrile was reportedly being hatched by Sen. Edgardo Angara. Enrile retaliated by threatening to reorganize the Senate committees. Nobody wanted to lose their committee chairs, and the coup fizzled out. Yep, what can a bunch of amateurs do to the old fox? Enrile may be an octogenarian but they got to be careful because he was one of the “Rolex 12” who planned and executed martial law in 1972. You can’t beat the old fox at his own game.

The Catholic bishops weren’t too happy with Noynoy’s stance on the controversial Reproductive Health bill which is now pending in Congress. They posted on their website a warning that “the candidacies of pro-RH bill politicians – especially survey leader Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III (Liberal Party) – would suffer if Catholics would seriously take the call from church leaders not to vote for those favoring RH bill.” Wow! That’s a stinger! Maybe the bishops wanted Noynoy — who is a bachelor — to get married and start making a lot of “babes in the woods.”

Titanic Manny said that “becoming president of the country is his last dream.” Didn’t Gloria say the same thing before? Look what happened. After the presidency she wants to be a congresswoman, and then Speaker of the House, and then Prime Minister for life. That was one hell of a long dream she had.

Titanic Manny boasted that he’s been married for 40 years to the same woman. Bah! No big deal! Erap and Loi Estrada celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last December. The difference is that Erap had six mistresses and Titanic Manny wouldn’t admit to having one. It’s either he didn’t have any or he’s just too scared to tell his wife.

A news report says: “Presidential candidate Gilbert (Gibo) Teodoro, a former secretary of national defense, is proposing a national development plan that includes interconnecting the country’s main islands through a modern network of bridges or tunnels.” Fantastic! It would really be ideal for Gibo to run as Titanic Manny’s vice presidential running mate. If both of them win, Titanic Manny can build all the roads on all the islands and Gibo can build all the bridges to connect the islands.

Lito Banayo, a columnist and political consultant, wrote an article – “Her” man — saying that Gloria’s “secret candidate” is Manny Villar. This is going to be a battle royale — Noynoy, the “babe in the woods,” versus Titanic Manny and Gloriath. And what would happen to Gloria’s anointed candidate, Gibo Teodoro? The Japanese would say, “Sayonara, oka san.” The Italian would say, “Arrivederci, paisan.” The French would say, “Adieu, mon amie.” The Hawaiian would say, “Aloha, bro.” And the Pinoy would say, “Ha ha ha…”

For the fourth time, government agents searched Gov. Ampatuan’s mansion for firearms and found nothing again. However, the first time they found P400 million  in cash. Then the last time they found another P120 million. However, nobody knows where the money went. And nobody was complaining about it either. Hmmm….

News Item: “Pacquiao could be beaten — by two men.” “There’s one way to beat Manny Pacquiao, and it would need the clone of two great warriors the Filipino boxer had previously beaten” — Erik Morales and Miguel Cotto. Well, cloning takes time. Why don’t they just put Pacquiao in the same ring with Morales and Cotto. And to make it more interesting, include Floyd Mayweather too. Like they say, “Matira ang matibay” (Last man standing wins).

I ran into an article posted on www.themetrolife.blogspot.com. It says:

Inkris Your Bocabulary by Manny Pacquiao

1. TACTICS – tunog ng orasan (sound of the time (tic tac))

2. NO PEER – nike commercial (no fear)

3. MOTOR KID – paglibot nya sa Manila (going around in Manila)

4. CHECK IN – manok sa McDo (chicken from Mcdo)

5. CORRUPT – pagsara ng mata (closing your eyes) (I don’t really get this one)

6. WIT – timbang (weight)

7. DUET – gawin mo (do it)

8. NOODLE – sagot kay Kris sa Deal or No Deal (no deal)

9. QUOTES – tawag nya kay Freddie Roach (coach)

10. CAKE – sipa (kick)

11. PANTS – suntok (punch)

12. LEAP – kaliwa (left)

(PerryDiaz@gmail)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

With 10 candidates running for President of the Philippines, God decided to interview all of them to decide whom to anoint. God asked each of the presidential wannabes the same question: “What would be your first act on Day One of your presidency?”

God: “Who wants to volunteer first?”

Noynoy Aquino: “Me! Me!”

God: “Since you’re the frontrunner, go ahead, Noynoy. Your mom talks highly of you. So, let’s hear what you have in mind.”

Noynoy: “Lord, my first act would be to confiscate all of Marcos’ ill-gotten wealth and use them to build millions of ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes for the poor, provide jobs for the jobless, and feed the hungry. I’ll build a Bagong Pilipinas (new Philippines) in memory of my parents, Ninoy and Cory. Mabuhay ang Bagong Pilipinas!”

God: “Very good! I like your vision of a Bagong Pilipinas. I’m sure your mom and dad will not be disappointed with you. Who’s next?”

Manny Villar: “Bah! ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes are cheap. There’s no profit in building those little homes. I’ve been building homes for more than 30 years, Lord. My first act will be to build roads — like the C-5 Road — all over the Philippines to link all the subdivisions that I’m going build and sell to the people. And then I’ll donate 10% of my profit to Gawad Kalinga so they can build those little homes for the poor.”

God: “That sounds like an excellent business plan. I’m sure that it would make you 100 times richer than you are today. Maybe you should donate 10% of your profits to the Church too. How about you, Gibo?”

Gibo Teodoro: “Lord, with all due respect to Manny, but his roads aren’t going to connect all the 7,000 islands in the country. So I’m going to build bridges and tunnels to connect all the islands.”

God: “Wow wow wee! That’s fantastic! And do you think that you’ll accomplish all that in six years? You may have to stay in power for at least another 30 years just to finish a fraction of your plan. It might be worth keeping you in power as long as you continue building bridges. Let me think about it.”

Gibo: “Actually, that’s my personal agenda, Lord. I have to stay in power until all the bridges and tunnels are completed. I’ll transform our beloved Pilipinas into an ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ in 20 years.”

God: “Enchanted kingdom? Twenty years? Hmmm… I heard that line before. Well… How about you, Dick?”

Dick Gordon: “Lord, that Global Balita editor didn’t call me ‘Flashy Dick’ for nothing! My plan is to fire all government employees and replace them with thousands of Red Cross volunteers. You see, I used volunteers to convert Subic Naval Base into an international free port. Look what it is today.”

God: “You’re indeed flashy, Dick. I like your idea of using volunteers. You’re pretty good at that. Keep up the good work. How about you, Bro. Eddie?”

Bro. Eddie Villanueva: “Lord, I believe that prayers can perform miracles. I’ll make it mandatory for all Filipinos to pray 10 times a day. Look at the Arabs! They only pray five times a day and they’re very wealthy. The Filipinos will become the wealthiest people on Earth!”

God: “Sounds like a great idea. Rest assured that I’ll hear their prayers, my loyal follower. I just want to make sure that the people will pray to me and not to Allah, okay? Let’s move on. How about you, Nick?”

Nick Perlas: “Lord, since I’m an environmentalist, I’ll save all the forests. To achieve that would require that we stop using paper products. The Philippines will be the first ‘paperless society’ on Earth. No more paper money. No more newspapers. No more toilet paper. The country is having water shortage too, so we need to conserve water as well. To achieve that, I’ll invent a waterless bidet that would only use air to do its work. I’ll also make it mandatory for every citizen over 18 years of age to have a computer at home so they can check my Facebook every day.”

God: “Excellent! You are going to save the Earth from destruction. More power to you, Nick. I’m glad the Comelec accepted your Certificate of Candidacy. Nick, we need people like you. I salute you. Who’s next? John Carlos?”

John Carlos de los Reyes: “I don’t really know what to do if I get elected, Lord. I’m new in the political game and the youngest of the candidates. However, if I win, I will stop corruption and send all the corrupt officials to jail and.…”

God: “Enough! I’ve heard that line since Quezon’s time and that’s not going to happen in your lifetime, kiddo. Good try, though. You’re next, Jamby.”

Jamby Madrigal: “Thank you, Lord! I just want you to know that I’m the only woman running for president. If elected, I will fight for women’s rights! I will also…”

God: “I agree with you Jamby. But we’re running out of time. Next!”

Vetellano Acosta: “I’m the standard bearer of the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, the late president Ferdinand Marcos’ political party. If elected, I’ll build a monument to Apo Ferdinand that would be higher than the Quezon Memorial. I will also…”

God: “Stop it! That’s not going to happen, pal. Not in my lifetime. Okay? Let’s see who’s the best…”

Erap Estrada: “Hold it! Hold it, Lord! How about me?”

God: “Oh, I’m sorry, Erap. I didn’t know you’re still in the race. Okay, Let’s hear what’s in your mind.”

Erap: “Don’t underestimate my ability, Lord. I’m the oldest in this group but I’m wiser than a turkey.”

God: “You mean to say, ‘wiser than an owl,’ right?”

Erap: “Same thing. My first act as President would be to file plunder charges against President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. She grabbed the presidency from me in 2001 and cheated my best friend Fernando Poe Jr. in 2004. It’s payback time, Lord. An eye for an eye! And I promise you that if she’s convicted, I will never pardon her! Lintik lang ang walang ganti!”

God: “Aha! You know, you’re the only one who thought of punishing Gloria for all her kalokohan (shenanigans).  Erap, you’re my man! I hereby anoint you as the country’s next President.”

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Is Dick Gordon getting desperate? He just fired the first salvo against Noynoy Aquino in the “Demolition War of 2010.” In a press release, “Flashy Dick” Gordon said, “It is not Facebook that matters here, it is not your face that matters.” Whoa! Has he been drinking? Well, let’s look at the Facebook numbers. Noynoy has 210,988 supporters while Flashy Dick has 2,894. My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec said that Noynoy’s response to Flashy Dick was: “Eat your heart out because dehin ka pogi at dehin ka pa goli (you’re not handsome and you don’t take a bath). Ako ay pogi na, goli pa (I’m handsome and I take a bath). Ha ha ha…” Attaboys! Keep firing until the last man standing!

Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather agreed to go to mediation to settle the “blood testing” issue. When reporters asked Pacquiao if he was comfortable mediating with Mayweather, Pacquiao responded, “Oki lang sa akin (It’s okay with me) because I’m used to it. I always meditate before a fight.” Huh?

I just learned that Pacquiao didn’t want to fight junior middleweight champion Yuri Foreman for a shot at his eighth world title in eight weight classes. His reason was he is 5-½ inches shorter than Foreman. However, Pacquiao confided to James that his real reason was it would be like David fighting Goliath. “But Goliath lost to David!” James said. Pacquiao stared at him and said, “Look, dummy! The only reason Goliath lost was David used a slingshot!”

***

The eight presidential wannabes were in a plane heading to Mindanao for a candidates’ forum when the captain announced that three engines died and the plane had only one engine left running. He then said that the plane could make it to the nearest airport only if three passengers jumped out. Silence.

Noynoy Aquino broke the silence and said, “Since I’m the frontrunner in poll ratings, I find it my duty for love of country and my late parents, Ninoy and Cory, to sacrifice myself and be the first to jump out. He cried, “Adios, patria adorada (Farewell, dear fatherland)” and jumped out of the plane. Silence.

Manny Villar broke the silence and said, “With Noynoy gone, I’m now the frontrunner. And like Noynoy, I find it my duty for love of country and my people to sacrifice my life.” He shouted, “Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (Long live the Philippines!)” and jumped out of the plane. Silence… silence…

Gibo Teodoro broke the long silence, turned to Erap, and said, “Well, Erap, with Noynoy and Manny gone, you are now the frontrunner, isn’t it? Therefore, for love of country and your many wives and mistresses, it’s now your turn to jump out. Come on Erap, do it!”

Erap Estrada scratched his head. Silence… Then he slowly stood up shaking and with his voice quivering, said, “I… guess… it’s my turn, huh?” He looked around and then said, “For love of my beloved Pilipinas and the powerless poor, I plan to continue my program which I started during my first presidency.” Then he shouted, “Erap para sa mahirap! (Erap for the poor!),” turned around, grabbed Gibo and pushed him out of the plane.

***

A news report says that the ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD is thinking of repackaging the image of Gibo Teodoro to increase his chances of winning the presidential race. They said that Gibo could be the next Manuel Quezon. No kidding? Quezon was well known for his battle cry, “I prefer a government run like hell by Filipinos to a government run like heaven by Americans!” We’re already in hell, what else could Gibo do?

Another news report says that Lakas-Kampi-CMD could deliver up to 10.8 million votes for Gibo. With Gibo’s anemic 4% poll rating, how are they going to do that? Virgilio “Garci” Garcillano delivered only three million votes to Gloria in 2004, enough to give her one million votes more than her opponent. Garci and his boys used “dagdag-bawas” (add-subtract) to fix the numbers. I’m beginning to suspect that the “Garci boys” will only use “dagdag-dagdag” this time. Yup, just keep adding them up, boys!

Gibo urged the Commission on Elections to prepare a contingency plan in the event that the Precinct Count Optical Scan (PCOS) machines were not delivered in time for the May 10 elections. Gibo has nothing to worry about because a contingency plan is already in place which has been thoroughly tested during the 2004 and 2007 elections. In both elections, the “Garci boys” did a fantastic job in counting all the votes. That… is the contingency plan.

By the way, Gibo recently adopted “green” as his signature color for his campaign. I think “green” makes him sentimentally nostalgic. He’s been used to seeing green when he lived and practiced law in New York. Yup, he had a “green card” then and lots of 100-dollar greenbacks in his wallet.

Not to be outdone by the Liberal Party’s plan to raise a 500,000-strong “Yellow Army” to monitor the polls, the Nacionalista Party is going to raise a “rainbow army” of one million volunteers. Gibo is not fazed at all cuz he has at his disposal Gloria’s private armies — the Armed Forces of the Philippines and the Philippine National Police. That’s more than 2 million people, and they’re all armed to the teeth.

Gloria appointed Undersecretary Antonio Villar Jr. as chairman of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Villar said that as the new anti-drug czar he “will work hard to reduce, if not entirely eliminate, illegal drugs.” Villar, who concurrently serves as Gloria’s anti-smuggling czar, also said, “I have lost friends and political allies when I took the reins as anti-smuggling czar, and I am now expecting more foes as I push the legacy of the government [war] against drugs.” Well, from what I heard Czar-Czar Villar and Mike Arroyo are still very good friends. Hey! friendship goes a long way in politics.

Gloria ordered defense and military officials to promote soldiers who “professionally implemented martial law in Maguindanao.” “Those who were assigned to implement martial law in Maguindanao showed our people that the Philippines is a law abiding democratic nation and upholds the rule of law and respects human rights, I thank our soldiers very much for that,” Gloria said. With 50 new generals, 100 new colonels, 250 new majors, and 500 new captains, Gloria can now impose martial law in the entire country. As Gloria’s granddaughter once said, “What lola wants, lola gets.”

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

When Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s five-year-old granddaughter Marie Angelique — Mikey’s daughter — was asked by reporters what her Christmas wish was, she said, “I wish that my ‘lola’ (grandmother), I mean… I hope she’ll be President forever!” Makes one wonder if that was wishful thinking or self-fulfilling prophecy?

Now, that wouldn’t sit well with the eight presidential wannabes who are spending billions of pesos and thousands of hours only to see Lola Gloria keep the presidency for life!

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec immediately called his “Deep Truth” informer in Malacanang and asked her the scoop on this. “Deep Truth” told James that there is a clamor among Gloria’s family members for her to remain President forever so they can all live happily in their “Enchanted Kingdom.” Then she said, “What Lola wants, Lola gets.” Masama na ito! (This is getting really bad!)

James called the top four presidential wannabes and asked their opinions. Here’s what they said:

Noynoy Aquino: “No way! I’ll will not allow that to happen! I’ll lead my Yellow Army to attack Malacanang and oust Gloria. It will be another people power revolution and — like my mom — I’ll be proclaimed President.”

Manny Villar: “I already spent billions buying votes. I won’t let that happen. With the leftists and communists on my left and the Marcos loyalists and oligarchs on my right, I’ll lead my Orange Army to attack Malacanang and oust Gloria. The presidency is mine!”

Erap Estrada: “I’ll tell all my wives and mistresses to rally the people to demand Gloria’s ‘constructive resignation.’ Gloria used that against me when she ousted me in 2001. It’s now my turn. It’s payback time!”

Gibo Teodoro: “Malaki and utang na loob kay Gloria (I owe Gloria a big debt of gratitude). I am loyal to her. Gloria forever! Gloria forever! Gloria forever!” Naloko na naman tayo! (We’ve been fooled again!)

                                                                                  ***

Ninety-one out of the 99 persons who filed their certificates of candidacy for president were disqualified by Comelec as “nuisance” candidates. Here’s some of them:

Self-proclaimed “international lawyer” Ely Pamatong, who was disqualified when he first ran for president in 2004, claimed that “he is better than anyone who has run for office before, making him wonder why the poll body had previously proclaimed him a nuisance candidate.” Well, as someone once said, “once a nuisance, always a nuisance.”

But Pamatong said: “I may not be a billionaire pero may utak ako (but I have brains). I scored 92 percent in the American Bar exams, graduate ako sa UP, Silliman University, undefeated debater ako sa UP, tapos tinawag akong nuisance (and you call me a nuisance)?” Well, these are good enough reasons why Pamatong has been disqualified: he is overqualified for the job.

Nick Perlas, who was also disqualified from running for president, said that his support from the Green Party of France and 50 other countries prove his “national and global presence.” But his ratings in polls taken in the Philippines were virtually zero. Maybe Nick should move to France and run for President there.

Mark Jimenez, a former congressman representing Manila, was also disqualified from running for president. He told the Comelec: “The only reason why I’m not qualified is because you are all afraid of me, everybody knows that.” Yup, Mark is right. Having served time in a U.S. federal prison, Mark could really be intimidating to some people.

Noel Aguirre, who claimed to be an “inventor,” was also disqualified from running for president. He said that he is more qualified to run than Sen. Jamby Madrigal. Noel said that he and Jamby were in the same situation — they’re both running as independent. But the big difference is: Jamby is a multi-billionaire heiress with no talent while Noel is a multi-talented inventor with no money. It’s a no-brainer, Noel.

                                                                               ***

By the way, former president Erap Estrada celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary with his first wife, former Senator Luisa Ejercito in December. Erap said that he believes strongly in the “sanctity of marriage.” Yup, that’s why he “married” six other women so he can be “sanctified” seven times. Does that make him a sanctimonious polygamist?

Erap, who was ousted by Gloria, convicted of plunder, and then pardoned by Gloria, might not win the presidency this time, but Jinggoy, his first son by his first wife, is now the frontrunner in the senatorial race. Jinggoy seems like he’s following the footsteps of his father… all the way to the presidency. And then what? Well, I hope it would stop right there.

Meanwhile, Gibo Teodoro was busy campaigning to improve his poor poll ratings. At a marketplace in Lucena, Gibo asked the fish vendors, “Do you have ‘tampal’ fish?” The vendors laughed. His wife, Nikki, asked what kind of fish was that? Gibo replied, “I can’t tell you in public because it’s censored.” Then he whispered, “It’s called tampal-puki.” “Bastos!” I googled “tampal-puki” and it’s real. It’s a fish shaped like a human palm. “Tampal” is a Tagalog word that means “to slap with the hand.” Talagang bastos!

Happy New Year!

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)