Kim calls Pacman

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Pacquiao vs. Bradley

Pacquiao vs. Bradley

Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao was celebrating his victory over Timothy Bradley when his cell phone rang. He asked his manager, Freddie Roach, to answer the call.

Freddie: Hello.

Caller: Hello, this is Kim. May I please speak to Mr. Pacquiao?

Freddie: I’ll see if he’s available. Hey, Manny! Somebody named Kin wants to talk to you.

Pacman: Kim? Is it Kim Jong-un?

Freddie: No, it’s not that crazy kid. It’s a woman.

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian

Pacman: Hmm… I know who it is. It’s Kim Kardashian! Give me the phone!

Freddie: She doesn’t sound like Kim K. This one sounds like a Pinay.

Pacman: Give me the phone (he grabbed the phone). Hi, Kim! I’m glad you called. I was thinking of you when I was punching Bradley’s face. You’re my inspiration.

Kim: Huh? Did you say I inspired you?

Pacman: Yes, yes! Of course! You’re always in my brain.

Kim: Brain? Oh, you mean to say in your mind?

Pacman: What’s the difference? Hey, your voice sounds different? What happened?

Kim: Well, I’m down with bronchitis. Pardon my voice, Manny.

Pacman: Oh, no! Don’t be silly. I don’t care about your voice. It’s your beauty that keeps me going, Kim.

Kim: Thank you. I’m flattered, Manny. I’ll return the compliment when I see you. When shall we meet?

Pacman: Hey, I’m available anytime! Name the place and I’ll meet you anywhere. We can meet in your place or my place, dear.

Kim: Oh no! Not my place… nor yours. My office would be the proper venue for this kind of meeting, Manny.

Pacman: No problemo, Kimo Sabe. Your office is as good as my mansion. Hehehe…

Kim: Hey, don’t kimo kimo me, okay?

Pacman: Just kidding, honey. Hey, why don’t I bring a bottle of Catu Lapit Boordoox?

Kim: You mean, Chateau Lafite Rothschild Bordeaux?

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

Kim: Manny, I don’t drink when I’m working. Please don’t bring anything. My secretary will serve coffee or coke.

Pacman: Coke? I didn’t know you’re into coke? Hehehe… Well, we can then have pressure while we talk business. How’s that?

Kim: Pressure? Do you mean to say, pleasure?

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

Kim: No, it’s not the same thing… and our meeting is strictly business, okay?

Pacman: But I thought this is a social meeting?

Kim: It’s not social; it’s official… very official. We’ll talk about the $40 million you owe…

Pacman: $40 million! I didn’t know I owe you $40 million? But I know you just signed a $40-million deal with E! to continue your reality show for another three years. Heck, I just made $40 million in 30 minutes punching Bradley’s face. Hehehe… You don’t make that much money in reality show, right?

Kim: This is not a reality show. It’s the real world! That’s $40 million you owed in back taxes! That didn’t include interest and penalty. And penalty could also include imprisonment! That would knock you out for a long, long time, Pacmano amigo.

Pacman: You’ve got to be kidding! Tell me you’re only joking, Kimmy!

Kim Henares

Kim Henares

Kim: I’m not kidding; I’m serious. And pleeeze don’t call me Kimmy or Kimmo Sabe. And I’m not Kim Kardashian; I’m Commissioner Kim Henares of the Bureau of Internal Revenue. And I’m calling you to collect your taxes.

Pacman: Walang hiya! Patyun kita dira!

# # #

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.


13 Responses. Have your say.

  1. Stan Gamolo says:

    Hi Perry: It has been a while that there wasn’t a Balitang Kutsero. As usual, very hilarious. Best regards.

  2. Jose Samilin says:

    Satirical man o hindi, galing mo talaga, Bro.Perry, talaga naman na kahit gaanu kasakit pa ang nararamdan ni Manny sa pagkabugbug ni Bradley sa kanya ay lasing na lasing si Many sa kaligayahan, ngunit ang hindi niya alan ang nagbabadyang kapahamakan, a broad daylight highway robbery ng pangakat ni Kim Henares. Para bang gutom na gutom din ang grupong ito sa napanalunan ni Manny na $40 million, at kahit na nabugbug na ak pagmumukha ni Manny paralamang maitayo niya sa mataas na dignidad ang nalulugmok sa malaking kahihiyan sa in justice, greed and korapsyon ang pamahalaan ng Republika ng Pilipinas,ay papasok na naman ang mga kawatan sa BIR. Wala na bang mas mabuti na kanila sa ipatupad ang obsolete BIR laws at wala ng halaga sa kanila ang pagkawasak ng dignitad ng ating bansa!!! Come on people, gusto ba ninyo na kapag nakita kayo ng mga Puti sa Amerika or somewhere else, duduraan nila ang dinaanan nyo!! It is about worth $20 Million tax break for Manny Pacquiao, for the goodwill he earned for his country and Filipino people. Please don’t blatantly show your greed of money even that is for the Treasury of the Philippines. Even without law incentive, Pacquiao,surely is doing it for his own country and people.

  3. Jose Samilin says:

    Kung ako kay Kim Henares, I will stand behind Manny Pacquiao and prove to Pnoy a $20 million tax break plus waiver of all criminal penalty of present and future tax cases, if any, to Manny Pacquiao. Anyway, this tax break is not mere personal benefit of Manny but we could plainly see the money flowing to the hands of the needy in many of these calamities. Then, Pnoy, since he acknowledged Manny’s greatness worldwide, Then the President Pnoy himself would act to produce the proper document, if that is in the Congress, so be it, to legalize the grant of $20 million tax break for Pacquiao as a goodwill earned by Manny all through the years. This is highly recommended. One could easily go to hell, if by any reason, someone put him to jail on account of his profession and as duly recognized Pambansang Kamao ng Republika ng Pilipinas.

  4. Albert says:

    ahahahahaha….sapul si Pacman sa Taxman or Taxwoman.

  5. Mac Flores, Jr. says:

    Nice joke!

    I still remember when I as in PHL and trying to resolve a tax case in behalf of our client. The BIR agent will ask us to prepare a worksheet/document for them based on their need, a job that the agent should be the one doing and not the taxpayer/accountant.

    Aside from this, if the tax case will be settled amicably, the BIR agent will say, “There will be a BIR receipt to be issued to the taxpayer to settle the case officially but only equivalent to about 50% of the deficiency tax”. The other 50% is without receipt and the amount goes to “guess who”.

    Like in the Customs, the BIR should start cleaning its own system. I was 100% accurate in presenting the client’s worksheet analysis back up by documents and yet the BIR usually overruled it and suggest for amicable settlement to the point that our client will simply “agree para matapos na lang.” Sana may pag-babago na dahil sa DAANG MATUWID.

    What I learned in taxation in school, were wasted in dealing with the BIR, unlike here in the US.

    Kailangan kay Pacman ay mag-hire ng CPA-lawyer expert from a reputable firm in the PHL who is knowledgeable in WORLD-WIDE income reporting and tax credits.

    As I said, there was a PHL tax incentive law in boxing regarding world championship fight wherein if one of the protagonists is a Filipino, then he is entitled to a tax cut/credit. I hope this law is not yet repealed.

  6. pat talens says:

    I know this article is for fun, and to incite laughter among readers. Pero hindi ako nasiyahan. For one thing, it portrays the truly boxing great and Filipino pride Pacquiao in too much negative light; it delves well into his unfair characterization—that he is dishonest, a tax evader, a tax-cheat. And it unfairly casts him as still that Pacquiao womanizer, inspite of his seeming rebirth as a model spiritual man.

    I could be wrong, but I learned to admire him for his unmatched display of humility (amid all these earned glory, fame, and material triumphs). I learned to like him as he is a source of pride and inspiration to so many, especially to Filipinos long betrayed by plundering, corrupt so-called intellectuals and smooth-talking politicians.

    On this Holy Lent, I urge renewal among the corrupt politicians in the Philippines—to return their stolen people wealth and to live truly according to Jesus Christ.

  7. Bobby Bagos says:

    I think we’ve been on this road before, when are we going to get away from this crazy idea that because someone could play a part of a do gooder on the silver screen that he/she will also be good in running a country. We’ve had several of these people before and we have some now who just got caught with their hands in the cookie jar, getting them convicted is another story of course but what can you really expect from a country that have been dubbed as one of the most corrupt country the world. Manny still hasn’t proven his worth in the world of politics, in boxing perhaps so we’ll just have to see before putting him in the driver seat of running a country in trouble.

  8. Narciso Becera says:

    In 2012, the top ITR payees were:
    1. Vivian Azcona — 131.43 million pesos
    2. Willy Revillame — 63.90 million pesos
    While Manny was…
    36. Emmanuel Pacquiao — 22.38 million pesos
    His payment was miniscule compared to above.

    • Philip says:

      How true! Kris Aquino (6) paid double at P44.93M. At least Pacquiao paid more than Henry Sy (74th)P16.4M. Pacquiao is the highest paid athlete in the USA second only to Tiger Woods. His 5550,000 equivalent paid is not commensurate to his millions and millions of winnings.

  9. Bitoy says:

    Sisihin nyo si Manny. Kasi every time lalaban siya sinasabe niya para ito sa mga Filipino. Kaya paano nga mapunta ito sa sinabe niyang mga Filipino, di through the tax para naman makinabang ang mga Pinoy kahit kaunti at ang kalalakhan sa mga politiko. Mga Filipino din sila di ba?

    • Philip says:

      I have contributed to Pacquiao’s immense wealth by buying his PPV’s but but I find the idea to give him a tax-exemption just because he makes us proud to be his countrymen to be ludidrous if not downright stupid. He is a selfish person flaunting his fortune in mansions, cars and his wife and mother’s caprices. With his money, I don’t see any foundation he has startd or significant contributions to charity by him. We have tax laws and like any other income-earner, he should pay his fair share. Go get him, Kim H! Kim K and Paris H can wait.

  10. Mac Flores, Jr. says:

    The article is a break in news seriousness and although it is a joke it also serves as a reminder to Pacman to pay his tax due to PHL government.

    Making a name and honor for the PHL does not exempt that individual from taxation, unless the tax law says so.

    My personal view is that the PHL BIR was also remiss in its duty to collect in advance an approximate portion of Pacman’s tax due through the Withholding Tax law, the reason why the government is at the losing end when it cannot collect yet until now Pacman’s tax deficiencies in prior years. The BIR waits (maybe forever) for Pacman to complete and finalize each year his income tax returns and other taxes, which should not be the case.

    As an example of the power to collect an approximate tax in ADVANCE based on Withholding Tax law should have been applied by the BIR when DAP amounts were given as alleged “incentives” to some Senators last year.

    (An assumption on DAP outside the legal issue). EX. For Senator A, 10% withholding tax X P100Million incentive pay = P10M. Therefore, Senator A should only get the Net amount of P90M instead of P100M gross DAP pay upon distribution.

    The BIR is a temporary custodian of the tax withheld for once the final tax returns is completed, the P10M may be used as a Refund or Tax due reduction of the taxpayer.

    The W/T is also applicable to Pay for View income and other royalty income, for BIR to collect in advance prior to report completion requirement.

  11. martin says:

    Ang perang ibabayad ni pacquiao bilang tax, katulad din ng ibinabayad nating lahat, ay mapupunta sa kaban ng bayan. Ito ay panggamit sa pagtulong para guminhawa ang buhay ng lahat ng pilipinas. Nanakawin naman ito ng ating mga lawmakers. Wala rin nagyayaring kabutihang tulong sa taong bayan. Kasaklap.

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