Janet’s secret meeting with Noynoy

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Janet-Lim-Napoles-and-Noynoy.3It was reported in the news that Janet Lim Napoles surrendered to Noynoy personally in Malacañang at 9:37 PM on August 28, 2013. That was what Noynoy’s spin meisters told the media. But Kit Tatad claims the story was pure baloney. He said that Janet secretly met with Noynoy in Malacañang at 10:00 AM on August 28, 2013.

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec called the other day and said, “Boss! I have in my hands the mother of all scoops!” “What mother are you talking about, James?” I asked. “Well… uh… I have a secretly recorded CD of their conversation. I’ll play it for you, okay boss?” James said. “Okay, let’s hear it then,” I replied.

“Here it is, boss,” James said.

(James plays the CD)

Janet: Thanks for seeing me on a short notice, Noynoy.

Noynoy: I had to cancel my date with two Guest Relations Officers. You know, GRO’s.

Janet-Lim-Napoles.7Janet: Of course, I know GRO’s. After all, I was once a GRO… the best! I thought you’re not into that thing anymore. What happened to your scholars?

Noynoy: They’re getting too expensive for me. High maintenance talaga. Besides, I prefer GRO’s. They’re very professional… like you. Mga generals pa ang tricks mo!

Janet: Those were the good old days. But that’s nothing compared to what I have now!

Noynoy: I know. Now, you have senators and congressmen in your…

Janet: Ay naku, they’re boring. But they have lots of pork! Lots of moolah!

Noynoy: I know. You’ve been very selective.

Pork-barrel-scam-lawmakersJanet: Aba! Dapat naman. I only picked those who have huge pork barrel allocations. And thanks to you for increasing the senators and congressmen’s pork barrel allocations.

Noynoy: I did it for you because you’ve been so generous with the kickbacks from my pork barrel when I was still in Congress.

Janet: You were my guinea pig then. Pinag-practice-san lang kita, Noynoy. Hehehe….

Noynoy: Ikaw, talaga! Kwela ka parin! Hahaha…

Janet: By the way, now that you have a huge presidential pork barrel – P1.3 trillion! — maybe we can renew our… er… friendship.

Noynoy: It’s hard to do that now cuz of your high profile. Delikado.

Janet: Well, let’s take care of my problem first then and then we can have fun again.

Noynoy: We’ll see. What’s your problem, ba?

Janet-Lim-Napoles-mugshot.3Janet: I need your help, Noynoy. I’m in big – BIG — trouble!

Noynoy: I know you’re in big trouble, Jenny.

Janet: I love it when you call me, “Jenny.” That goes back to my GRO days. You were my best customer then and very generous with tips.

Noynoy: Well, it was not my money; I got it from my barrel of pork. Hahaha….

Janet: I know, that’s when I thought of the idea of hooking up with senators and congressmen. They have lots of pork!

Noynoy: They’re all in trouble, too.

Janet: And so are you, amigo.

Noynoy: Me in trouble? You’ve got to be kidding!

Janet: No, I’m not kidding. I really need your help, Noynoy, or should I say, “Mr. President”? Oh, I have videos; just so you know.

Noynoy: Videos? Videos of what?

Janet: Well, you know… videos of… you know what I mean.

Noynoy: I thought you destroyed them all, Jenny.

Janet: Yes, I did… except for three. They’re my insurance policy just in case…

Noynoy: Which ones are those?

Janet: One of them was taken on the eve of your swearing-in. It’s your best video.

Noynoy: I don’t remember that.

Janet: Well, let’s play it then, okay? Here it is. I’m putting it now oin the DVD player. Just relax and enjoy the show.

(Janet plays video)

Noynoy-and-OchoaNoynoy: It’s dark. I can’t see their faces.

Janet: That’s you there and that’s Jojo next to you.

Noynoy: How did you get this video?

Janet: Jojo gave it to me.

Noynoy: My Jojo?

Janet: No, it’s not the Jojo in the video. It’s the other Jojo. The one that lives in the Coconut Palace… your sidekick.

Noynoy: Ang walang hiya! Traidor! I thought he was my friend! I’m gonna kill him!

(A knock on the door. Jojo enters the room)

Jojo: Sir! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare again! Wake up! Wake up!

(Noynoy wakes up)

Janet-Lim-Napoles-surrenders-in-Malacanang.6

Noynoy: Huh? Where am I?

Jojo: You’re in your private room behind your office, sir. You’re having a nightmare; you were shouting at someone!

Noynoy: I had a bad dream! What time is it?

Jojo: It’s 9:37 PM, sir. Well, sir, somebody is waiting for you in the Music Room right now. She said she’d only surrender to you.

Noynoy: Surrender? Who would that be?

Jojo: It’s Janet, the Queen of Pork.

Noynoy: Ang walang hiya! I’m gonna shoot her!

# # #

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)


35 Responses. Have your say.

  1. Victoria M. Segovia says:

    NOT FUNNY AT ALL, PERRY. BAD AND DISRESPECTFUL JOKE.

  2. This is what press people do. I wonder if there is ethics in journalism, or it if is even policed by anyone. They have no license at all, ergo: not professionals in their right. Sense of Humor? Maybe, Truths? Use your “coconut” Is this how they get attention and make their money? Yes, it’s stupid humor.

    • pat Talens says:

      Instead of laughing I felt sorry for whoever invented this supposed to be a “joke”. It is a joke in itself I guess.

    • perry says:

      Hi Angel,

      Evidently, you didn’t read the disclaimer that says it is a fictional story. So ‘truth’ is not the issue here since it is fictional. As to being policed by anyone, I’m sorry to tell you that we are not in a police state. There is no censorship in a democratic country. Journalists are free to write anything provided it is not libelous. But how can this story be libelous? Again, read the disclaimer, my friend.

      Perry

  3. Philip says:

    Galing. Talagang tunay na buhay. Bistado… si PeNoy! Para bang My Husband’s Lover ang tema…

  4. Bert says:

    Hindi ko akalain may mga Pinoy din palang utak daga na tinutuhanan ang kuentong ganito, katulad ni Philip.

    Parang si Tandang Tatad din na nanaginip pa rin hanggang ngayon. Akala niya martial law pa rin.

  5. Philip says:

    Seems to me some people are taking BK seriously, not as the satirical fiction that it clearly is. Writings like yours are a welcome relief among the welter of exchanges among the thieves as they quarrel to paint their colleagues darker than they are. With a grain of salt, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your BK series and I hope you can do one every month. Great job!

    • perry says:

      Hi Philip,

      Thanks for your kind words. I used to write Balitang Kutsero at least once a month. With all the shenanigans going on in our government, BK can provide some relief from our frustration with all these sad episodes involving those we entrusted to serve the people’s interests.

      Of course, there are a few readers who’d resort to ad hominem attacks against me for writing BK. My only response to them is: Thank you for taking the time to critique BK. While I don’t particularly appreciate when you’re calling me names, nevertheless it’s a healthy sign that we’re living in democratic country where the freedom to express one’s opinion is not only a privilege but a sacred right of every citizen.

      Perry

  6. gemma cruz araneta says:

    In my opinion, we should refrain from that type of jokes at a time like this. Let us analyze the problem seriously and look for solutions that will help this nation purge its institutions of corrupt elements. We can crack all the jokes we want later, after we have addressed this problem. Our democracy is in danger, we might lose our freedom to express our opinions, our privileges and rights as citizens if we don’t unite as a nation and take things seriously (for once).

    • perry says:

      Hi Gemma,

      Thanks for your comments. You’re right in saying that we should refrain from this kind of jokes at a time like this. Indeed, never in our short history did something like this happen. I wish we have the likes of Laurel, Recto, Paredes, Osias, Villareal, and other statesmen who served our country selflessly. What he have today are crooks of ther worst kind, the “robbing hoods”who stole the people’s money for their own aggrandizement.

      As an opinion writer, I concentrate on issues that affect the lives of our people. I did not spare anyone who was suspected of corruption. My PerryScope column attests to that. However, I also have my Balitang Kutsero, which brings out real issues in the context of satirical and humorous fictional stories where the readers can read between the lines to truly understand the message of the story. To that end, I will continue my Balitang Kutsero column but I’ll try to be kinder.

      All the best,
      Perry

  7. Doc CDC says:

    I like and appreciate all the commentaries and the BK too. Is that all that we can do? Mefrustrating – nothing is happening sa mga Baboy- methink hindi ma lechon silang lahat!
    Perry the BK is funny- that’s all it is.

    • perry says:

      Hi Doc,

      It’s a satirical story delving into real issues. It will not start a revolution but it would bring consciousness to people’s mind about the corruption in our country hoping that they would do something about it.

      Perry

  8. Good response to me Perry, I like it. I saw the disclaimer “colatilla” and it made it more dumb and irresponsible. We can call this in the books as “stupid palusot” like the tricks of Corona on his corrupted SALN. Fiction, Parody and/or other post-modern New Age thinking philosophies has no room in a talented journalist mind like yours in my opinion, you can put your talents well where they belong, namely, to be the “purveyor of truths” or “bearer of the good news.” Journalists are democratic society’s charlatans devoid of professionally regulated licensing in an unregulated profession, the curse of a democracy institution in what’s peddled as “freedom of the press” meant to sway public opinion. There is no freedom for you my friend unless your pen is captive to the truths and the dictates of a good conscience written in your heart by your Creator-God. Anything above this high ground is a claim to press freedom without responsibility. It is actually your tool to get attention to make money.

    • perry says:

      Hi Angel,

      Apparently, you don’t know what a disclaimer is. I suggest that you learn the word and what it means. Since you said that your comments were just your opinion, then I can’t really say that you’re wrong. However, it would be enlightening and refreshing for you to realize that you’ve been living in a small world of the ignorant and misinformed. Having a closed mind is like blindfolding yourself. Try it.

      Perry

  9. lrmonzon says:

    Perry, I respect your freedom of speech, but be serious and respectful to our elected President specially in time of chaos in the country.
    Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shot and let the people think you are dumb and stupid then open your mouth and prove it.
    Respectfully your countroyman

    • perry says:

      Hi Irmonzon,

      Keeping your mouth shut would only encourage the corrupt to do more. That is what’s in our country right now. With virtually all the lawmakers involved in the pork barrel scam, it’s strange that the people are mum about the whole thing. It was the media that exposed the scam.

      In regard to respecting the President, I respect the office of the President. However, I believe that P-Noy is mostly to be blamed for the pork barrel scandal for increasing the pork barrel allocations of lawmakers, which allowed them to steal from their bloated pork barrel. If that happened in other countries, their government would have fallen already.

      My friend, I will use my pen for as long as corruption exists in my country. That is a promise.

      Thanks,
      Perry

      • lrmonzon says:

        Mr. Perry your responses are more appropriate and convincing. But,If you care aboout our poor country, write an article pertaining chinese gov’t who are trying to steal our properties and never show any respect to our government.
        Regard my friend.

        • perry says:

          Hi Irmonzon,

          I’ve written a lot about territorial disputes with China. Check them out at GlobalBalita.com/PerryScope. I’ve even suggested that they amend the constitution to remove the provision that doesn’t allow foreign bases on Philippine soil. Now they’re trying to get the U.S. to station troops on a rotational basis to go around the constitution. Our leaders lack the political will to protect the Philippines from Chinese intrusion. Ultimately, it’s the people’s fault for electing incompetents and dimwitted politicians who are more interested in enriching themselves in office. Why can’t the people for once stop selling their votes and elect good politicians?

          Perry

          Perry

  10. Hello there Perry, Your response were pretty intense not only to me but to some others as well in this forum. Slow down friend. Do not get me wrong. I understand the meaning of “disclaimer” (it is actually an accountant’s jargon) but now here in your secular journalists world. It is what I call, the “I am sorry meaculpa” of post modern irresponsible unlicensed journalism after the dirt/curse has been thrown. There are better things to do, friend, so we can agree to disagree. But listen to your readers in this forum, they are teaching us a lesson to be “bearer of the good news.” Let us help build our nation. That is our higher responsibility and not be buried to punditry.

    • perry says:

      Hi Angel,

      You continue to amaze me with your out-of-place use of English words that are beginning to look like hemorrhoids sticking out of your mouth! “I am sorry meaculpa”? Do you know what “mea culpa” means? It means, “I am sorry.” So, are you then saying, “I am sorry, I am sorry”? And “post modern irresponsible unlicensed journalism”??? What’s do you mean by “post modern”? Aren’t we in the modern period? Post modern is in the future. And please tell me what is “unlicensed journalism”? Is there a board that licenses journalists?

      Ahh, and you said let us help build our nation. Please tell me how YOU are helping build our nation? In my case, I am helping build the nation by using my pen to expose the corrupt and by doing so I am hoping that the citizenry would collectively do whatever it takes to re-build our nation free of corruption and poverty. In other words, I am an activist/journalist. Hosw about you? What are you?

      Perry

  11. Stan Gamolo says:

    Hi Perry,

    I read every comment here and some are not on your side. For me, I really enjoyed reading your “Balitang Kutsero”. Of course I knew it is a satire and it is just for humor. Do they not know that? Anyway, fulfill your promise by exposing corruption and do not forget injustice also, through the pen. We live in a democratic country and each one of us is free to express what they have on their minds, pro or con.

    • perry says:

      Hi Stan,

      Thanks for your kind words and understanding of the issues. Those who are familiar with the term “Balitang Kutsero” know that it was a fictional story. Of course, my disclaimer says it all, loud and clear.

      All the best,
      Perry

  12. Yes, twice sorry if you may, but you do not need to throw unwise words at me that you cannot withdraw. It shows your character. No sir, we are past the modern period. No board licenses journalists that I believe needs to be regulated. No Perry, with due respect, to me it is inverse when one writes derogatory news but offer no specific solution to problems. That’s the journalist’s norm I believe that needs to change in a post-modern world. Would that be you. I am a sinful man Mr. Perry (saved by Christ). That is who I am. This is the first time I have heard of an activist/journalist and I respect that if that is what you are. How many are you in your pen? Are you friends with Kit Tatad, the bearer of bad news (Marcos’ martial law).

    • perry says:

      Hi Angel,

      You don’t get it, do you? Please, please read my disclaimer, to wit: “DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.” A CPA worth his salt should understand that very clearly. If I threw “unwise words” at you, you deserve it, my friend.

      You said, “to me it is inverse when one writes derogatory news but offer no specific solution to problems.” What “derogatory news” are you talking about? Balitang Kutsero is not news! It is a satirical and humorous fiction. READ THE DISCLAIMER AGAIN! And you said, “but offer (sic) no specific solution to problems.” Are you expecting solution to a problem in a satirical story? Get real, pal.

      This is the first time you’ve heard of activist/journalist. Evidently, you don’t know what an “opinion maker” is, who is different from a reporter/journalist. May I suggest that you start reading opinion columns — e.g., PerryScope — and get a feel of what opinion makers (also known as op-ed columnists) talk about.

      And please next time you debate with me, get your facts straight, okay?

      Perry

      Perry

  13. Nolan Pidor says:

    Apparently, you are feeling the heat from your readers who were otherwise convinced of your journalistic ethics but who are now really disgusted by the sick joke you are writing and portraying it as a journalistic piece. If this joke is truly fictional, then how truly remarkable it is that the story line is exactly the same story line as that presently unfolding in the real world and the characters sport the exact same names as the characters in that real world’s story. Coincidence? Fat chance. Fiction? Who’s believing. Not many people can tell the difference between a ‘Disclaimer’ and a big-time ‘Palusot’ as applied here. ‘If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it must be a duck’.

  14. Noel Castorillo says:

    Perry,

    I admire your patience. For a journalist, that’s rare.

    • perry says:

      Hi Noel,

      Thanks for your kind words. A journalist’s occupational hazard is that there will always be some readers who will attack the messenger and not the message.

      Perry

  15. Rex Garcia CPE / PE says:

    Perry another good job you did my friend. The picture I got from your BK readers against you are over sensitive and one tunnel minded vision people. My assessment and my conclusion on this type of un-informed group is they think the same way with our corrupt politician in our country. They say birds of the same feathers flock together. Perry keep using that pen to hang those corrupt politician. Use that pen the same way our great hero Jose Rizal used it to awaken our countryman about the atrocities by the Spaniards when they came to the Philippines. Perry don’t let that pen runs dry. How about doing another one between Jingoy, Enrile, Gigi Reyes and the mother of all scam Napoles.

    • perry says:

      Hi Rex,

      Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. For as long as my hand can write, I’ll continue to do what I’ve been doing for the past 12 years; that is, exposing corruption in our government. I’d spare no one including the President if I believe that he’s on a “baluktot na daan” (crooked road).

      Thanks again, my friend.

      Perry

  16. Roque C. Barrido says:

    Hi Perry,

    Please kindly remove my email from your list. I don’t know how you got it in the first place.I just take a glance on your stories and if it catches my attention I read it. This one is a big attention getter. Unfortunately it’s a bad one. If, all of us think that any Disastrous news like PORK BARREL ( as it is already funny by its name scam that has a potential of crippling our faith and trust to our homeland and therefore, shut down our support in times of calamities)is funny and can write a fiction story yet you mentioned GRO vice for our beloved President who works hard to clamp on corruption.And what is your basis of blaming him partly his Fault because he increase funds for PORK BARREL??? Maybe it was intended for a good cause??? Is our President really goes to Bars and table GRO’s???

    • perry says:

      Hi Roque,

      I can appreciate your unqualified support and love for our President. I was one of his fervent supporters as a candidate. As a matter of fact I was one of the few journalists — and the first Fil-Am — who openly endorsed him in August 2009 before he declared his candidacy for President.

      Unfortunately, P-Noy has to be blamed for the pork barrel fiasco because he was responsible for increasing it substantially in 2011. In addition, his P1.3-trillion presidential pork barrel defies reason and morality. In my opinion, it’s immoral for a President to control more than 50% of the national budget any which way he wants. That’s the responsibility of Congress, not the President.

      The other day, the Supreme Court — thank God — issued a TRO on the P25-billion pork barrel for lawmakers. But how about the P1.3-trillion presidential pork barrel?

      Then there is the new Disbursement Acceleration Program (DAP), which some people were saying that it had been used to bribe senators to convict Chief Justice Renato Corona in May last year.

      What’s happening is the worst corruption scandal in the history of the Philippines, perhaps the world. All of these are happening under P-Noy’s watch. It doesn’t matter of he is personally involved but the fact that he was the one who planted the seeds of corruption makes him culpable.

      Evidently, you did not read the disclaimer at the end of the story.

      As you requested, You’re removed from the distribution list.

      Perry

  17. Rawley Soberano says:

    Keep up the good work. Don’t lose your perspective and keep you head high. You’re an American and if some of your readers aren’t, you don’t have to succumb to their level to cater to their misplaced sensibilities. That’s also the problem of those who did not attend school here, mistaking “shot” for “shut,” civilians lost in the world of journalists, blind loyalty that you cannot criticize PNoy if you respect him,remove one’s name from your maiing list if because he disagrees with you(how childish), etc. They’re are overtly sensitive with regards to things critical of the country, whether direct or allegorical. I did not realize that so many of these pseudo-patriots have landed on our shores. They should go back to help PNoy clean the corruption that is pulling RP down.

  18. Rex Garcia CPE / PE says:

    Perry don’t let single minded people or sometimes I call it One tunnel vision people bothers you and telling you to stop exposing corrupt politician in our country.Perry keep going using that pen. You are doing a great job. Kudos to your journalistic skill and knowledge of using that pen.

    • perry says:

      Hi Rex,

      My pen is the only weapon I can use in the fight against corruption and poverty in our Inang Bayan. I expect that there would be some people who’d attack and discredit me. But that’s part of the territory. The only way I can fight my detractors is to use my pen.

      Thanks for your words of encouragement.

      Perry

  19. Badbeat17 says:

    These robbing hoods should start giving back what they stole from the people of the philippines every penny to help those that are suffering from the worst typhoon that hit the Islands.Each and everyone of them should go out there and do whatever possible to save as many people as they can.

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