By Perry Diaz
James Macaquecquec called and said that he has the best scoop on Presidents Barack Obama and Xi Jinping’s stroll on the manicured garden of the Sunnylands estate with just their interpreters with them. I asked him how could he get the scoop when it was just the two interpreters who heard their conversation. “Well, boss, I was one of the two interpreters,” James said. “No kidding! Who were you interpreting for? I asked. “Who else but the man himself, Barack Obama,” James said. “How could you do that? You don’t speak Mandarin,” I said. “Boss, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. Don’t you know that I am an linguist, a multi-linguist to be precise?” “Bah, you’re a braggart. Anyway, what’s your scoop?” I asked. “The entire conversation! I taped their conversation secretly and I typed a transcript in English. Would you be interested to read it, boss?” “Go ahead and fax it to me,” I said.
The following is the private conversation between Obama and Xi:
Obama: President Xi, gung hay fat choy! Welcome to sunny California.
Xi: Huh? I didn’t know it’s New Year here in California.
Obama: Well, we consider it a New Year for a new friendship between our nations.
Xi: In that case then, gung hay fat choy to you, too. Happy New Year Mr. President!
Obama: Let’s drop the formal titles, okay? What shall I call you for short?
Xi: Isn’t Xi short enough for you? Unless of you want to call me Mr. X.
Obama: No, no, no. Mr. X is too formal. Xi it is then. Xi.
Xi: How about you? I know that they call you Barry when you were in Indonesia. But that’s old and stale. Do you mind if I call you Obie?
Obama: Well, ahh… oh, well, Obie is just fine with me, Xi.
Xi: You’re quite a nice guy, Obie. You remind me of George W. Bushie. He’s so nice that he sent a lot of American businesses – and jobs — to China. And because of him our growth rate shot up to more than 10% per year!
Obama: Yeah, I know. And by the time he left office, our unemployment went over 10%.
Xi: We call that the 10-10 rule.
Obama: The 10-10 rule? How is that?
Xi: This is how it works — our economy goes up 10% and yours goes down 10%.
Obama: Well, that’s going to change in my administration, Xi. Our economy now is getting better. Our unemployment rate is down to 7.5% and your economic growth has slowed down to 7.5%. Isn’t that amazing?
Xi: I think it sucks. Well, that’s going to change. That’s why I’m promoting our new strategy called “Pivot to the Americas.” It’s our answer to your “Pivot to Asia” strategy. You come to my backyard; I go to yours.
Obama: Pivot to the Americas? What does that entail?
Xi: We’re investing lots of money in the Americas, from Canada down to Brazil. We’re even going to build a bigger canal in Nicaragua to compete with Panama Canal. We’re going to be the economic power in North America, Central America, and South America… the whole Americas.
Obama: That’s a very ambitious plan, Xi. Have you heard of the Monroe Doctrine?
Xi: Yeah, I looked it up in the dictionary. But the Monroe Doctrine is no longer relevant. That’s passé, amigo.
Obama: Not exactly. Have you heard of the Obama Doctrine?
Xi: Obama Doctrine? Never heard. What is it anyway?
Obama: Obama Doctrine calls for the use of drones to fight America’s enemies anywhere in the world. Have you heard of the Predator?
Xi: Oh, yeah. We have aircraft similar to your Predators, F-22s, F-35s, and Osprey VTOLs.
Obama: Yeah, what you have are take-offs – replicas of our aircraft. You hacked our computers to steal the specifications for these aircraft.
Xi: Well, Obie, I heard that this snitch, Edward Snowden, has been spilling the beans on your surveillance program. He said that you were hacking our computers, too. We’re even, Obie.
Obama: No, we’re not even. Our technology is far more advanced than yours. You have nothing that we can steal to benefit us. On the other hand, you were able to catch up with our technology because of your hacking.
Xi: Well, it looks like we are in disagreement on this issue, Obie. There is no point in arguing about it. So, let’s just forget about it.
Obama: Let’s agree to disagree then. However, let me just warn you that if your hacking continues, our relationship will be affected, both economically and politically. But let’s keep our disagreement to ourselves… for now. Let’s show the whole world that we can cooperate on things that we agree on and strive to narrow the gap where we disagree.
Xi: Sounds good to me, Obie. I agree to disagree then.
Obama: Very good! Hey, didn’t I tell you that you have an uncanny resemblance to Winnie-the-Pooh?
Xi: Winnie the pooh-pooh? Who is that?
Obama: Well, Winnie-the-Pooh – only one pooh — is a popular cartoon character, a toy bear, who is naïve, slow-witted, short and pudgy.
Xi: Do I look like this pooh-pooh character you just described? I’m hurt, Obie.
Obama: I’m sorry, Xi. I’ll take it back. Forget about it, okay? Let’s smile and shake hands for the photographers.
Xi: Okay, Obie-pooh-pooh! Hehehe….
Obama: Attaboy, Xi-the-pooh! Hahaha…
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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.