Gloria calls P-Noy

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

After ex-prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo was granted bail in her election sabotage case, she called President Benigno “P-Noy” Aquino III.  Their conversation went as follows:

P-Noy: Hello, this is President P-Noy speaking.  Who is this?

Gloria: Hoy, P-Noy!  This is Gloria.

P-Noy: Gloria… who?

Gloria: Aba! Eh, sino pa?  This is former President and Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

P-Noy: Huh? Is this some kind of a joke?  Gloria is in detention!

Gloria: Not anymore.  Judge Mupas granted me a P1-million bail.

P-Noy:  Well, I have to verify that.  But why are you calling?

Gloria: This is just a courtesy phone call since I cannot go to Malacanang personally anymore.

P-Noy:  Courtesy?  Well, what can I do for you?

Gloria:  I want to make three personal requests, kung puwede lang.

P-Noy: If it’s within my power, okey lang.  What are your requests, ba?

Gloria: First, can you put my picture back on the wall in Malacanang?  I’m a former President; therefore, I’m entitled to have my picture on the wall just like other former Presidents.

P-Noy:  I don’t mind doing that but a lot of people said that you don’t deserve it because fake President ka daw!  You stole the presidency twice, sabi da!

Gloria: Anong peke?  Hoy, watch what you’re saying Peenoy!

P-Noy:  Okay, okay.  I’ll do it for you, Gloria.

Gloria:  Second, I haven’t received my pork barrel yet.  When are you going to release it?

P-Noy: Well, there is a hold order on your pork barrel, Gloria.  I can’t release it.

Gloria: What hold order?

P-Noy: You haven’t submitted all the necessary documents required for the release of your pork barrel.

Gloria:  Could you do something about it, P-Noy?

P-Noy:  My hands and feet are tied, Gloria.  Sorry.

Gloria: Ikaw, talaga.  Grrrrr…..

P-Noy:  Maybe I can do something about it in a few days, okay?  What’s your third request?

Gloria: Well, I found out that while I was in detention my husband was gallivanting!

P-Noy: What do you expect him to do?  Watch old movies 15 hours a day?

Gloria: That’s what I’ve been doing for the eight months I was in detention!

P-Noy: What do you want me to do with your husband?

Gloria: Maybe arrest him for some plunder charges and detain at the New Bilibid Penitentiary in Muntinglupa.

P-Noy: But I can’t do that without any evidence.

Gloria: Well, how about the chopper scam?

P-Noy:  I don’t know the status of that case, Gloria.  Wait a minute… Something is coming out of the fax machine.  Hold on…  Hmm…

Gloria: Hmm… what?

P-Noy: Well, I have good news and bad news.  Which one do you want to hear first?

Gloria: Let’s hear the good news first.

P-Noy: There is a warrant for the arrest of your husband on the chopper scam case.

Gloria: That’s fantastic!  I hope that two-timer will rot in jail!  What’s the bad news?

P-Noy:  I don’t think you want to hear the bad news, Gloria.

Gloria: Let’s hear it, P-Noy. I’m a big girl.  I can take the bad news.

P-Noy: Well… ah… umm… I’m afraid you have to go back to detention.  In Muntinglupa this time.

Gloria:  What?  I posted my P1-million bail already!

P-Noy: That’s correct.  But the anti-graft court — the Sandiganbayan —  issued a warrant for your arrest for the plunder complaint against you for the misuse of P360 million in Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office funds.  I believe the sheriff is on his way to serve you the arrest warrant.  But don’t worry; I’ll make sure that your cell will be next to your husband’s cell.  You can then keep an eye on him.  Hehehe…

Gloria: Walang hiya!

# # #

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction.  Any similarities to real characters are coincidental.  This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.


6 Responses. Have your say.

  1. Ha ha Perry! Whaat clever and witty script ou fashion which delights me no end. I know it seems cruel to have to detain a past president especially after she has posted bail..oh well.

    I do not know the details but if she deserves to detained again so be it.

    I am glad that you have red yourself of feedback writers who tend to forget that they should observe ethical standards even in commenting on an article – any article that you write.

    • perry says:

      Hi tony,

      Just to lighten up the debates that have been going on in Global Balita. But so far, nobody is making direct personal attacks against each other. Heated for sure, but still within the realm of civility.


  2. jesse jose says:

    Hey Perry,

    I LMFAO! That was good. I enjoyed that. It has a sadistic ending. But I liked it. Because, it was soooo funny! More, Perry, more! Hehehe.

    This comment (have your say) section is one of the highlights of your website. And that’s because you allow readers to have their say, no matter how different from the normal way of thinking. I like that. That shows fairness on your part. And that creates exciting reading for readers, I think.

    May I make a suggestion though? Can you perhaps install a speller check here, para pwedeng makorek din yung mga typos and misspelled words? Is that possible? Kung hindi, okay lang. Readers will just have to analyze and guess what the writer of a particular comment had written.

    One more thing I’d like to say to you: Your online publication, I think, is now the most popular publication among Fil-Am readers. More power to you.

    And thanks also for bringing in news from the Motherland. You’re doing one heck of a job, gayem. Okey ngarud, that’s all.

    • perry says:

      Hi Jesse,

      Thanks for your feedback. This blog site was designed to be interactive. It also have an RSS feature to notify readers of new postings. As a rule, I leave it to the readers to moderate their comments but still subject to review the comments for appropriateness in choice of words. Except for a few who have been warned but continued to use very offensive words against the writers or readers, I try to be as permissive as I can.

      I also try to edit obvious typos but not the grammar. We are all humans and what’s good “grammar” to one could be bad to another. It’s a matter of opinion.


      • Hello Perry, you know, even though the subject and the theme of your Balitang Kutsero is all for fun, there’s quite a bit of truth to it. Our country and the people who are supposed to make our system of government function without any flaw are in most cases the problem themselves. Keep Balitang Kutsero alive with stories that will jar some of our dormant brain cells into action and realize how screwed up things are in our homeland.

        • perry says:

          Hi Noah,

          I agree with your observation. However, I have to include a disclaimer that it is a work of fiction just to protect myself.


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