By Perry Diaz
P-Noy: Hello, this is President P-Noy speaking. Who is this?
Gloria: Hoy, P-Noy! This is Gloria.
P-Noy: Gloria… who?
Gloria: Aba! Eh, sino pa? This is former President and Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.
P-Noy: Huh? Is this some kind of a joke? Gloria is in detention!
Gloria: Not anymore. Judge Mupas granted me a P1-million bail.
P-Noy: Well, I have to verify that. But why are you calling?
Gloria: This is just a courtesy phone call since I cannot go to Malacanang personally anymore.
P-Noy: Courtesy? Well, what can I do for you?
Gloria: I want to make three personal requests, kung puwede lang.
P-Noy: If it’s within my power, okey lang. What are your requests, ba?
Gloria: First, can you put my picture back on the wall in Malacanang? I’m a former President; therefore, I’m entitled to have my picture on the wall just like other former Presidents.
P-Noy: I don’t mind doing that but a lot of people said that you don’t deserve it because fake President ka daw! You stole the presidency twice, sabi da!
Gloria: Anong peke? Hoy, watch what you’re saying Peenoy!
P-Noy: Okay, okay. I’ll do it for you, Gloria.
Gloria: Second, I haven’t received my pork barrel yet. When are you going to release it?
P-Noy: Well, there is a hold order on your pork barrel, Gloria. I can’t release it.
Gloria: What hold order?
P-Noy: You haven’t submitted all the necessary documents required for the release of your pork barrel.
Gloria: Could you do something about it, P-Noy?
P-Noy: My hands and feet are tied, Gloria. Sorry.
Gloria: Ikaw, talaga. Grrrrr…..
P-Noy: Maybe I can do something about it in a few days, okay? What’s your third request?
Gloria: Well, I found out that while I was in detention my husband was gallivanting!
P-Noy: What do you expect him to do? Watch old movies 15 hours a day?
Gloria: That’s what I’ve been doing for the eight months I was in detention!
P-Noy: What do you want me to do with your husband?
Gloria: Maybe arrest him for some plunder charges and detain at the New Bilibid Penitentiary in Muntinglupa.
P-Noy: But I can’t do that without any evidence.
Gloria: Well, how about the chopper scam?
P-Noy: I don’t know the status of that case, Gloria. Wait a minute… Something is coming out of the fax machine. Hold on… Hmm…
Gloria: Hmm… what?
P-Noy: Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
Gloria: Let’s hear the good news first.
P-Noy: There is a warrant for the arrest of your husband on the chopper scam case.
Gloria: That’s fantastic! I hope that two-timer will rot in jail! What’s the bad news?
P-Noy: I don’t think you want to hear the bad news, Gloria.
Gloria: Let’s hear it, P-Noy. I’m a big girl. I can take the bad news.
P-Noy: Well… ah… umm… I’m afraid you have to go back to detention. In Muntinglupa this time.
Gloria: What? I posted my P1-million bail already!
P-Noy: That’s correct. But the anti-graft court — the Sandiganbayan — issued a warrant for your arrest for the plunder complaint against you for the misuse of P360 million in Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office funds. I believe the sheriff is on his way to serve you the arrest warrant. But don’t worry; I’ll make sure that your cell will be next to your husband’s cell. You can then keep an eye on him. Hehehe…
Gloria: Walang hiya!
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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.