“Hello, Nato”

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

Chief Justice Renato “Nato” Corona got a call from ex-prez Gloria Macapagal Arroyo after his tear-jerking testimony at the Senate impeachment court.  The conversation went this way:

Gloria: Hello, Nato.

Nato: Who’s this?

Gloria: This is Gloria.  Remember me?

Nato: Is that you, Ate Glo?  I didn’t recognize your voice.

Gloria: Well, ever since they put this gadget around my neck and head, my voice changed.

Nato:  Kawawa ka naman.  I feel sorry for you.

Gloria: I feel sorry for you, too, Nato.  Diabetic ka pala? 

Nato: Well, ahh… It’s under control… except for the past few days.  My blood pressure went up, too!

Gloria: I know how those gimmicks work.  I taught you how to do it, didn’t I?

Nato: Yeah, I will always be indebted to you, Ate Glo.

Gloria:  Okey lang, basta, just return all my money.  You can keep the interest if you want.  Malaki na siguro ano?  How much is it now?

Nato:  Well, the interest is now about $2.4 million.

Gloria: Wow! You can now retire and move to your mansion in Florida, ha?

Nato:  That mansion is not mine.

Gloria: Ikaw naman, don’t fool me, big boy!  You learned that trick form me, right?

Nato:  Let’s talk about something else.  How is your request to leave the country for medical reason?

Gloria:  P-Noy said he won’t allow it regardless of what the trial judge says.  That’s why you need to be acquitted, my friend; otherwise, who would protect me if you’re removed from office?

Nato: Kaya nga, Ate Glo.  I need your help and influence.

Gloria: Hay, naku!  I can’t do anything for you, Nato. P-Noy’s men are all over the place.  I can’t help anybody, not even Mike.

Nato:  You mean, Mike… your…

Gloria: Yep, Mike my wayward husband!  Now that I’m under hospital arrest, he’s been gallivanting all over the world!  And P-Noy allowed him to leave the country!  Can you believe that?

Nato: Is there anything I can do to help with your suffering, Ate Glo?

Gloria:  Hoy, gago, what suffering?  You’re the one to suffer if you don’t give me back my money?  How much is it now?

Nato: Well, there’s 140-b in Zurich, 130-b in Cayman Island, and another 80-b in Hong Kong.

Gloria:  Wow!  That’s a total of 350-b!  Is that correct?

Nato:  Yes, that’s correct.  I can wire them to any bank of your choice less 10% for me. Hehehe…

Gloria:  Well, 10% commission isn’t that bad for washing my money clean, Nato.  Go ahead and do it.  Wire it to Account No.  AK47 in United Alpine Bank in Zurich.  Let me know when that’s done.

Nato:  It’s now being transmitted as we speak….  almost…. It’s done!  Please confirm it.

Gloria: Yep, it’s there… 315-b.  You retained 10%… that’s 35-b, right?

Nato:  That’s correct, Ate Glo.  Gee, I don’t care if the Senate impeachment court removes me as Chief Justice!  I’ going to be a very rich man!  Richer than Marcos!

Gloria:  Yes, you’d be richer than Marcos.  But Marcos was smart to hide his money somewhere where we can’t find it.  We know where you kept your money.

Nato:  What do you mean, “we”?  Who is “we,” Gloria?

Gloria:  “We” is the Department of Justice.  And this is not Gloria you’re talking to.  This is Justice Secretary Leila de Lima.  Thank you for the information.

Nato: You tricked me!  I’ll issue a TRO against you!

Gloria (Leila):  What TRO are you talking about?  Did you see it on television?  The impeachment court is voting as we speak.   Fourteen… Fifteen… Sixteeeeeen!  Hooray!  You’re out of office!

Nato:  I’ll petition the Supreme Court to declare the impeachment court unconstitutional!

Leila:  You no longer have the majority vote in the Supreme Court, pal.  Your friends have abandoned you.

Nato:  Ang mga Judas!  Mga balimbing! Turncoats! Traitors!

Leila:  Well, Nato, I have to go.  I just want to give you the heads-up.  I will be filing criminal charges against you for money laundering.  Oh, by the way, the Philippine government owns Account No. AK47.  Thank you for returning the people’s money.

Nato: Walang hiya!

Leila:  Good-bye.

# # #

 DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction.  Any similarities to real characters are coincidental.  This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.


7 Responses. Have your say.

  1. RC says:

    Mr. Perry I like it….God Bless U.

  2. Stan Gamolo says:

    Hi Perry,
    I know your “Balitang Kutsero” is a satire and fiction but this guy Nato is really something else. Assuming that this Nato is going to be convicted, he is going to petition the Supreme Court that his impeachment is unconstitutional? Right there he is not fit to be in the highest court of the land because he considers himself to be above the law. With your clever and well crafted scenario, I have a hunch as to the owner of the dirty money. Wow! billions. Well scripted Perry.

  3. PHILIP says:

    Parang true story itong fiction mo. Akala ng dalawa safe na dummy si T/Cheat Judas dahil sa puwesto niya. Ang kasabihang tuso man daw ang matsing ay napaglalangan din! Mabuhay ka at ang GB. Very thought-provoking and entertaining itong pet project mo. More power to you!

  4. eqabellera says:

    Satirical or not, it is a scenario that could easily take place given the evidences so far laid out in the impeachment hearing. Strange as it seems CJ Corona is still hanging to the last straw. Ang kapal talaga!!!

  5. Jojie Umali says:

    tapos na ang boxing, Money made a TKO via AMLAC as Referee, Ombudsman has ruled.lol…

  6. ron garcia says:

    HE HE HE OK na OK yung fiction mo.Makatotohanan at amusing.MABUHAY KA PERRY! Mag CORONA facial expression naman tayo.Bago siya nag testify sa senado,his facial expression was that of suppressed arrogance and defiance.After he walked out and was told by his camp that his action earned him unfavorable reactions and comments from the senators and the filipino people,he came back with sad face and rehearsed humility.Next week,after he hears the verdict of GUILTY and IMPEACH,the REAL CORONA MONSTER will bare himself.LALABAS ANG NATURAL.

  7. perry says:

    Enjoyed the story.

    Let’s hope they both rot in jail.

    Aloha from Hawaii

    Jim & Leonora
    Aloha from Hawaii
    (Sent by email)

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