Pacman and the Taxman

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

After several months of trying to interview Manny “Pacman” Pacquaio, my perseverance finally paid off – he returned my call! Our conversation went as follows:

Pacman: Hello, Perry. This is Manny.

Perry: Oh, hello, Manny, what a pleasant surprise!  How are you?

Pacman: I had better days.  I feel like I’m being crucified!

Perry:  Well, it’s Holy Week… it’s time to be penitent for a lot of people.

Pacman: Penitent?  No way I’m going to the penitentiary!

Perry: You don’t have to go to the penitentiary to be penitent for your sins.

Pacman: My sins!!!  I’ve been holier than most people.  God even talks to me!

Perry: That’s what the midnight chief justice said, too. He said he’s been communicating with God.  That’s why he has a Mass in front of the Supreme Court every morning.

Pacman:  Hoy, don’t compare me to that midnight cowboy; I pay my taxes for every penny I earn and I declare my properties and bank accounts in my Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Net Worth.

Perry: You paid taxes to the U.S. for every penny you earned but not to the Philippines for every centavo you brought home, right?  According to the Bureau of Internal Revenue you paid P125 million in taxes in 2008 but you only paid P7 million in 2009.

Pacman:  Why should I pay taxes to the Philippine government when I already pay taxes to Uncle Sam?  That’s triple taxation.  Paying two taxes is bad enough!

Perry:  Huh?  To whom do you pay other taxes?

Pacman: Well, Jinkee gets half my earnings.  That’s taxation without resurrection!

Perry:  So your wife gets half, ha?  Why not?  She gave you four beautiful children and promised you eight more.   Hehehe….

Pacman:  I’m thinking of having valedictomy after three more babies.  I like ‘seven.’  It’s my payborit number.  I play it in jueteng all the time.   Hehehe…

Perry: Valedictomy?  Oh, you mean, vasectomy, right?

Pacman: Same thing, same thing.

Perry: Do you know that vasectomy is another form of birth control and therefore it is a mortal sin among Catholics?  Didn’t God tell you that when you talked to Him?

Pacman:  Well… uh… yes, we talked about it and God said that I might consider cebilacy instead of valedec… I mean, vasectomy.

Perry:  Cebilacy?  What is that???

Pacman:  Cebilacy… you know… no more… uh… playing… ah… in bed.  You know.

Perry: Oh, you mean, celibacy!  No more s-e-x, right?  Look, there is nothing wrong with celibacy if you don’t want any more babies.

Pacman: Now, I’m troubled.  I don’t know what to do.

Perry:  I think you’re getting old.  Don’t you think it’s time to retire from boxing?   From what I heard, Floyd Mayweather Jr. has just dethroned you as the No. 1 pound-for-pound champion.  And Floyd is bragging that he’s better than you.

Pacman:  You’re right.  Actually, God told me to retire.  Maybe I should retire after my fight with Tim Bradley.

Perry:  Then what?

Pacman:  I have a grand plan, my friend.  You’re the first to know and I hope you’ll be my first convert!

Perry: Grand plan?  Me, your first convert?

Pacman: Yes!  I’ll build my own church.  I’ll call it the Church of Everlasting Life and Happiness.  I want you to be my first disciple, my friend.

Perry: Whoa!  Hold it, pal!  I’m not going join any church without knowing what it’s all about!

Pacman:  Well, it’s a church where members aren’t going to pay taxes to the government.  Everything you earn will be tax-exempt.  Tax-free!  You can’t beat that!

Perry:  That’s not possible, Manny.  If there are two sure things in life, it’s death and taxes.

Pacman: Death?  That’s why I called it Church of Everlasting Life and Happiness because once you become a member of my church; your soul is guaranteed to go to Heaven.

Perry:  And how do you avoid paying taxes?

Pacman:  All members will donate their earnings to the Church so they will not pay taxes.

Perry:  But how will the members survive if they donate all their earnings to your church?

Pacman:  My Church will provide everything that the members need in life.

Perry: Hmm… That sounds like Communism to me, Manny.

Pacman:  Well, the difference is that communists are atheists – they don’t believe in God.   We do.  We’re all children of God.  We’re God’s chosen people.

Perry: I thought the Jews were God’s chosen people?

Pacman: Their God is different from ours.  Ours is the real one.

Perry: Manny, you’ve got to be dreaming.  Where did you get all these weird ideas?

Pacman: From God.

Perry: Ay naku, maloloko ako!

# # #

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction.  Any similarities to real characters are coincidental.  This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)

 


10 Responses. Have your say.

  1. RGL says:

    Perry, you always make me laugh with your biting satire. I hope Pacman understands, or he might decide to knock you out with that powerful right punch.

    But be careful. If I recall right, you told us about having had a hip replacement. Perry, what if he decides to chase you? How can you run for your life in that event? Ay naku po, I would be careful if I were you.

    Please, please stop laying a glove on our Idol. I want him to become president, but your tarring him with being a tax evader will abort that ambition. Leave him alone, will you?

    • perry says:

      Hi Roaring Remy,

      Pacman has his knockout punch but I have a more lethan weapom — a stainless steel knee that could crush his most prized asset if i hit him in the right spot. Hehehe…

      Perry

  2. Romeo Valmonte says:

    Perry,

    This is really far from Fiction. As there are some truth to what you just wrote. But I will not tell you. Maybe that’s what is good to media now that the reader comes up with his or her own conclusion. Thanks anyway and I hope you get better everyday physically as your emotions are good already.

    • perry says:

      Hi Romeo,

      I’ll leave it to the interpretation of the reader. Hehehe…

      I’m fast recovering from my knee replacement.

      Perry

  3. jesse jose says:

    Hey Perry,

    LMFAO. You’re back in form, ha? So, Pakyaw talks to God. Arroyo talks to God. Corona talks to God. Three Filipino CLOWNS of God. God has got a good sense of humor, too. In fact, it’s perfect. As perfect as these three, as clowns.

    Jesse Jose
    Seattle, WA

  4. Felix A. Bravo says:

    No comment for now! Thanks!

  5. Juan Rivera says:

    The way i see it pacman is being advised by a group of lawyers wanting to gain some celebrity status and at the same time fleece Money from Pacman. Just watch how they(lawyers) act in front of the TV cameras. They are trying to make a big case out of simple process that Pacman does not understand clearly. I hope Pacman realizes this folly in due time.

  6. Perry,
    Your capsule news reports always intrigue me but I did not know this side of you – a satirist.
    Fine. And I enjoyed the exchange between you and Pacman.
    Let us hope he and the others who claim to have conversed with God continue their belief as to how they are “blessed” in the process. It’s better to believe and communicate with a god than not to have any at all. Cheers!

    • perry says:

      Hi Antonio,

      Pacman is my favorite Balitang Kutsero character. You can read the other Pacman stories in the Balitang Kutsero section of Global Balita. A few months ago, I compiled 20 Balitang Kutsero stories and published them in Amazon.com.

      Best,
      Perry

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