Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz
Ombudsman Merceditas “Merci” Gutierrez received a call in the wee hours the other day. The conversation went like this:
Merci: Hellooooow…
Caller: Hello, Merci, this is your Ate.
Merci: Ate Glo? Is that you?
Caller: I won’t tell you cuz your phone might be tapped by P-Noy.
Merci: Ay naku! That P-Noy! Grrrrr… I hate him! I hate…
Caller: Relax ka lang, Merci. Don’t get mad, get even.
Merci: Okay! Grrrrr… I’m okay. Grrrrr…
Caller: Stop it, Merci. You might have a heart attack.
Merci: Okay, I’ll calm down. What shall I do, Ate Glo? I’m at wit’s end. Maloloko ako!
Caller: Me, too. I think P-Noy is after me. I’m having nightmares even during the day! And our friends in the Supreme Court are getting cold feet.
Merci: Yes, they’re abandoning us, especially that midnight chief justice of yours! Have you talked to him lately?
Caller: I tried but he won’t return my phone calls. I think he’s laying low cuz there’s a congressman from Ilocos Norte who’s threatening to impeach eight Supreme Court justices including him.
Merci: What? Was it Imeldific?
Caller: Oh, no. Not Imeldific. She’s a friend of ours. It’s the other Ilocos Norte congressman. That jerk! Grrr….
Merci: Yup, he’s the vice chair of the House Justice committee that filed the Articles of Impeachment against me! Tamaan sana siya ng kidlat! Grrr…
Caller: Yep, that’s him! He was once my ally but now he’s with P-Noy.
Merci: Balimbing talaga! Grrr… Ate Glo, I need your help. Can’t you stop the impeachment in the House? You’re now a congresswoman. I’m sure you still have clout.
Caller: I don’t know what happened but my PalaKa party mates have abandoned me. P-Noy doubled their pork barrel! Can you believe that? That nerd is learning fast! He’s more dangerous than he looks! I see him even in my sleep. Grrr…
Merci: I thought P-Noy was your secret friend?
Caller: That’s what I was made to believe by some people. He even approved my P2.2-billion pork barrel. I didn’t realize he was just trying to break down my defenses and I fell for it. Ay naku, Merci, ang life nga naman. Last year I was on top of the world, now I’m in Hell! I wanna cry. Hu hu hu…
Merci: I wanna cry, too. Wah wah…
Caller: Enough! We gotta think! For sure you’re going to be impeached by the House…
Merci: Wah…. Hu hu hu…
Caller: Stop crying, Merci. Look, Our only chance is in the Senate where they’ll try you after you’re impeached in the House. Here are the magic numbers: Sixteen senator-judges are needed to convict you or eight to acquit you. Got that?
Merci: Yeah, but who are the eight senators who could help me?
Caller: Don’t worry, let me work on that. For starters we have the joker with us. Let’s do it one at a time like what I did with the Supreme Court justices.
Merci: But it took you years to stack up the court with… never mind.
Caller: I know. It’s gonna be tough. Also, those senators are all primadonnas. They all have their own private agenda. Most of them are presidential wannabes.
Merci: Hey, aren’t the “grand old man” from Cagayan, that fiery woman who talks and talks, your secret presidential candidate “Villarroyo,” those two American-born brother and sister, and the heir to the “Great Again Society” all your friends?
Caller: Yes, they’re all my friends. That’s seven including the joker. All we need is one more.
Merci: Yeah! One more and I’ll be free. Home free, yeaaaah!
Caller: Looks like you’ll beat the rap, my friend. Okay, I’m just curious, are you really guilty of the charges against you?
Merci: Yes! Of course, I’m guilty as hell! He he he… But I did it all for you and your husband. Otherwise you’d be history, kaput! He he he… You should be thankful that I did it for you, Ate Glo. You promised you’re going to help me line up support in the Senate, right?
Caller: Not too fast, my friend. You’re now history. They’ll fry you in the Senate. You’re toast! Ha ha ha…
Merci: What the hell are you saying, Ate Glo?
Caller: I am not your Ate Glo. Ha ha ha…
Merci: Huh? Who the hell are you?
Caller: This is Kris, P-Noy’s sister. Our conversation is being taped and I’ll give the Senate a copy with you confession, “I’m guilty as hell!” Ha ha ha…
Merci: Walang hiya!
Caller: Bye-bye, Merci. Ha ha ha…
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)
Hello Perry,
My! You could be a screen writer. Or a cartoonist. Or a comedian. Or even a movie director telling the actors and actresses on how to show it in their faces and their voices. I read all the emails – serious things – you sent and I know that sometime and somehow after that there will be an ensuing funnies or “Balitang Kutsero”. From the serious to the funnies, I like that. Kudos to you Perry. Keep it up.
Very hilarious!!!!!What a superb choice of Kris for the “twist” in the story.
Oh boy, I was sleepy….until you woke me up, Perry
i like your sense of humor. mas magaling kang sumulat ng sitcom kesa sa mga very corny writers sa philippines.
Ang galing naman. Tawa ako nang tawa sa script with a twist.
Hi Perry,
I know Merceditas Gutierrez up close. She is really a good person, prayerful and principled. She is staying firm in her decision to defend herself, rather than resign, so that as the impeachment unravels our people would know she has not betrayed the public trust and not committed palpable violations of the Constitution.
As bits and pieces of the truth slowly come to light, a growing number of thoughtful columnists in the Phils now say things favorable to her and suggest that our legislators and president focus instead on preparing our country to meet new challenges coming from recent unfavorable world events.
As to our president, I deeply feel that because unlike his mother he is unforgiving, he will not for long get the admiration and cooperation he deserves from our institutions, the bureaucracy and our citizens. He will just continue the culture of conflict that defines our society and not turn it around into a culture of mutual support.
Hi Perry
Good job. You are a super good and have a very contagious sense of humor. You could be a big movie scrip writer ha, How about writing one telcon between Col. Rabusa and Ate Glo. As per Raul’s comment I believe that Merci G. is a good person and I do not doubt that BUT because she must have to pay a gratitude or show loyalty to GMA & Mike Arroyo and a result to protect them she end up becoming a bad person, betraying the trust of the Pilipino people thus violating the Constitution.
Oh lord, have mercy! Thats funny perry. Isa pa nga! You keep us guessing till the end as what we thought was glory. Can’t believe it was Kris the husband grabber at the end. Keep it up!
Very funny indeed. GMA is a dangerous financial terrrorist. She is also a BALIMBING. She goes where the money flows.
there’s a high possibility that Merci can escape because of the senators varied agenda. The best thing to do is to kidnap Joker Arroyo, Honasan, Escudero,Lapid, and Angara. These are the real balimbing in the house. The kidnapping can only happen with the financial support of the Filipino bilionaires who are sitting idly in their beautiful glass houses.
Hi Perry! as far as I can remember, there was the picture of the PRAYING LAVANDER AND THE PRAYING MANTIS? NO! THE PRAYING DOG.
MAYBE YOU CAN MAKE A SEQUEL OF THAT AND BOTH WILL BE ASKING HAVE MERCY ON ME! HAVE MERCY ON ME!
NOW THAT THE IMPEACHMENT WILL CONTINUE AT THE UPPER HOUSE.
Siguro yong Aso gagawing, “Azucena” kay have mercy on me.
Yong bulaklak na LAVNDER ay dadaanan ng Tsunami kaya mawawala na ang galing at bango noong lavander.
My take on the Merci impeachment is that the crux of the problem is that in the Phil. as well as in the US, “We have to look for evidence against the accused to be able to successfully prosecute the cases”.
Filipinos like to file cases. The office of the Ombudsman is inundated every year with about 10,000 new cases and most of them hardly have any evidence. Over 100 of these cases pertain to the same legislators who will finally determine the faith of Merci.
The office of the Ombudsman is helped by investigators and lawyer prosecutors who are most often underpaid not like their counterparts in the private law firms who are handsomely remunerated.
In the US, most of the important cases are won because the FBI conducted sting operations and wire tapping lasting sometimes for months in order to gain conviction against the accused. Can the Ombudsman rely on the NBI to do the same?
Even before Merci’s trial in the Senate, Guttierrez has already been bashed beyond recognition by none other than the Chief Executive of the Phil. lusting for her head to roll with no fear of having muddied the judicial waters and the House of Representatives with their pork barrel barreling on them to condemn her guilty based on untested evidence.
In these coming weeks, are we going to witness the Executive and the Legislative branch of the government trample upon the separation of power granted to the Judiciary branch by the Constitution of the Philippines
Hey Perry,
Good story. May suspense, ika nga. Before I got to the end of your story, I suspected that the “caller” might be KA. Kasi, parehong bruha at parehong backstabber. You were correct, and you ended it correctly. Yes, indeed, another one of your LMFAO story that I enjoyed. Okey ngarud, Kamias Boy, take care.
Jesse Jose
Seattle, WA
Hey Perry – have you been eavesdroping again? This is an inasion of one’s privacy . It is a crime and you can be sued. Or your faithful driver can be sued. The conversation, anyway was funny and entertaining. A reason good enough for having it.