Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

Illustration by David San Pedro

In 1565, Spanish conquistador Miguel Lopez de Legazpi arrived on the shores of Cebu and established his rule in the name of “God, Glory, and Gold.” Four centuries later, in the 1965 presidential election, Ferdinand Marcos defeated President Diosdado Macapagal and established a dictatorship using “Guns, Goons, and Gold.” In 2001, Vice President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ousted Presidency Joseph “Erap” Estrada and began her reign for “Gloria, Glory, and Gold.” In 2010, Manny Villar wants to become President at all costs using “Gold, Gold, and Gold.” With a net worth of P43 billion, Villar could easily buy the presidency. Yup, what Manny wants, money gets.

Villar is so filthy rich that columnist Lito Banayo called him, “Money Villarroyo.” I can understand “Money,” but why “Villarroyo”? Well, Lito believes that Villar is Gloria’s “secret candidate.” And this led presidential wannabe Noynoy Aquino to accuse Manny and Gloria of having an “unholy alliance.” Hey, if you don’t believe it, just follow Manny’s money and see if it leads to the palace by the Pasig river.

And what will happen now to Gloria’s anointed presidential candidate, Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro? Well, with his poor ratings in recent poll surveys, I wonder why he’s still in the race? He should read the handwriting on the wall, which says: “Gloria loves money and Manny loves glory.” Yup, it’s the “love story” of the year.

The recent SWS survey shows Noynoy Aquino with 42%; Money Villar with 35%; former prez Joseph “Erap” Estrada with 13%; Gibo Teodoro with 4%; Richard “Flashy Dick” Gordon and Brother Eddie Villanueva with 2% each; Maria Ana Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal with 0.4%; Vetellano Acosta with 0.3%; John Carlos de los Reyes with 0.2%; and Nick Perlas with 0.1%. What in Heaven’s name are the seven “tailenders” doing in the race? Can’t they see the handwriting on the wall? It says, “IT’S OVER.”

But like they say, “It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.” Well, the “tailenders” aren’t quitting yet. Gibo believes that members of his party, Lakas-Kampi-CMD, will deliver the votes in their bailiwicks. He’s right! They’re delivering the votes to someone, but not to Gibo. Like they say, “BS walks and money talks.” And Money Villarroyo has all the money to do the talking.

Flashy Dick believes that his “Bagumbayan” (New Nation) followers will deliver the votes. But that’s only 2% of the total votes! Can’t he see the numbers?

Brother Eddie believes that his “Jesus is Lord” followers are going to perform miracles for him. Sorry, brother, but only money can perform miracles during elections.

Jamby believes that she’ll win because she’s the only woman in the race. Sorry, Jamby, but Erap has already sewn up all the women’s votes.

Vetellano Acosta believes that the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos’ followers will vote for him. Sorry, Vetellano, but Da Apo’s son, Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr., is running for Senator under Villar’s Nacionalista Party and he promised to deliver the “Solid North” to Villar.

The youthful John Carlos believes that the youth will vote for him. Sorry, JC, but they aren’t of voting age yet. Better luck next time, kiddo.

Nick believes that his pro-environment programs will get him the votes. Nick should get this in his head: the people need shelter, food, and jobs. Giving them rolls of toilet paper isn’t going to win elections.

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Over the past couple of weeks, the Senate was transformed into a circus! The rambunctious “Gang of 12” tried to censure Villar for ethics violation involving the controversial C-5 road extension “double insertion” scandal. With only 11 senators present, one in detention, another one on the lam, and Villar’s allies boycotting the session, the Senate was “comatose” without a quorum.

Furious for the Villaristas’ boycott, Jamby Madrigal, the main complainant against Villar, called Villar a “corrupt” and “evil candidate.” She said, “He thinks he can buy everything, including Malacañang.” Duh? Jamby should know, “What Manny wants, money gets.”

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How did Smartactic, Inc. get the Automated Election System (AES) contract? The story goes: There were three bidders for AES. The bidders were asked to demonstrate the speed of transmitting the ballot data to the Central Canvassing Center (CCC).

Safe N Accurate, Inc. fed the marked ballot into the Precinct Count Optical Scanner (PCOS) machine and the data was received and recorded at the CCC in one minute. “Very good,” said the Comelec commissioners.

Next was Fast and Quick, Inc. They fed the marked ballot into the PCOS machine and the data was received and recorded at the CCC in 30 seconds. “Fantastic!” said the commissioners.

Last was Smartactic, Inc. They fed the marked ballot into the PCOS machine and nothing happened. One of the commissioners called the CCC and said, “The ballot was fed into the PCOS machine at 30 seconds past 9:30 AM. What time did you receive the data?” “Something must have gone wrong, commissioner,” replied the CCC operator. “Tell me exactly what happened?” the commissioner said. “Well,” the operator said, “we received the data at 32 seconds past 9:30 AM, commissioner. But what is strange is that the data was recorded 25 seconds past 9:30 AM. It was recorded seven seconds before we received the data! And the numbers didn’t match!” The commissioner replied, “That’s exactly how we wanted it to work. By the way, may I know whom I’m talking to?” “This is Garci. I gotta go, sir, I have a call waiting on the other line,” the operator said and hung up.

“Hello, Garci,” said the person on the other line. “Yes, ma’am. This is Garci. Everything works just the way you wanted it, ma’am. Your presidential candidate will win in the elections, ma’am.” The following day, Comelec awarded the AES contract to Smartactic, Inc.

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)