GLOBAL BALITA

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Illustration by Dave San Pedro

Recently, Sen. Joker Arroyo compared the situation faced by his friend Sen. Manuel “Titanic Manny” Villar to what the martyred Sen. Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino Jr. faced during the martial law era. No kidding! Let’s see. Ninoy said, “The Filipino is worth dying for,” and he did. Titanic Manny can say, “The Filipino is worth getting rich for.” He is now filthy rich… and getting richer every minute of the day. Indeed, there is a comparison.

I don’t blame Ninoy’s son, presidential wannabe Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, for telling Joker, “Don’t compare Senator Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar’s situation to what my father faced under the martial law government of the late President Ferdinand Marcos.” Well, what do you expect to hear from a joker? Word of wisdom? Nah!

Noynoy’s spokesperson piggybacked, “There is simply no comparison; Ninoy is a hero. Villar is nothing but a coward.” Touché.

This reminds me when presidential wannabe Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro was compared to the late President Manuel L. Quezon by his handlers. Let’s see how they compare. The fiery Quezon once said, “My loyalty to my party ends where my loyalty to my country begins.” Well, Gibo left his Uncle Danding’s party, the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC), to join President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s party. Gibo should use this line as his battle cry: “My loyalty to NPC ends where my loyalty to Gloria begins.” That should rally all of Gloria’s boys behind him.

But Gloria has a new man now — Titanic Manny Villar. Columnist Lito Banayo said that Villar is Gloria’s “secret candidate.” Another columnist suggested that if Titanic Manny is elected president, he should change his last name to “Villarroyo.” He’d be the first “Arroyo tuta” (Arroyo lapdog) to become president of the Philippines. Woof woof.

With Gloria becoming the next Speaker of the House of Representatives and Justice Renato Corona appointed by Gloria as the next Chief Justice, the three branches of government could be under the “House of Arroyo” — President Manny Villarroyo, Senate President Joker Arroyo, Speaker Gloria Arroyo, and Chief Justice Renato Coronarroyo. Yup, 2010 is going to be the “Year of the Tuta.”

Meanwhile, a moro-moro war has been going in the Senate between Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile and Titanic Manny over the Senate investigation on the “double insertion” corruption scandal implicating Titanic Manny. But Titanic Manny is waging the war by remote control using his four lapdogs… err, allies. He refused to face his accusers. This led Enrile and Sen. Jamby Madrigal to call him, “Coward!” Ugh! That hurts.

Jamby also called Titanic Manny’s allies (Senators Nene Pimentel, Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Alan Cayetano, and Joker Arroyo), “Villar’s Express Choo-choo train.” Sounds like the popular 50’s song, “Choo choo train, chugging down the track, Gotta travel on, never coming back. Ooh! Got a one way ticket to the blues…” Yup, the “double insertion” corruption scandal could be Titanic Manny’s “one way ticket to the blues.”

And to the blues Titanic Manny will go if what Enrile has reportedly said would happen, “If his (Villar’s) case is brought to a court of law, he will be jailed. We have evidence and based on the evidence, it says (Villar is) guilty.” Now, that’s what I call, “hardball politics,” and Enrile is very good at it.

The moro-moro got so hot that Enrile’s majority bloc declared a ceasefire. The minority bloc wasn’t too happy. Joker Arroyo told the media, “We are ready for interpellation, we are ready for debate, we are ready for the vote since yesterday.” Now, who’s coward? I guess, this will end just like past Senate investigations — in limbo. The senators should start a new line dancing called — Limbo-limbo. It’s a cross between Macarena and Ocho-ocho.

I think it’s about time for the abolition of the Senate. They should just let the rowdy kids in the House of Representatives do all the infighting. At least nobody would call for a ceasefire… until Gloria tells them to stop! Yup, what Lola wants, Lola gets.

It’s funny, but 12 years ago then Rep. Joker Arroyo delivered a privilege speech attacking then Speaker Manny Villar for the same reason that Villar is now being attacked by Enrile, corruption. It’s amazing how Joker forgot what he told the whole world 12 years ago. Or should I say, “why” he forgot? Maybe he had a bout of “selective amnesia.”? Didn’t someone once say, “There are no permanent friends, no permanent enemies, only permanent self-interest.” Makes one wonder what “interest” Titanic Manny and Da Joker have in common? Hmmm…

The other day, Enrile dropped a bombshell when he claimed that Titanic Manny tried to bribe him in exchange for a “favorable decision on the chamber’s investigation of the controversy surrounding the C-5 road extension project.” What? Another bribery case? The last time the Senate investigated a bribery case involving prez Gloria and hubby Mike Arroyo, the senators were taken for a dizzying merry-go-round ride for several weeks. Nothing happened. Yup, what Lola wants, Lola gets.

Self-proclaimed international lawyer and perennial candidate Ely “Spike Boy” Pamatong is back at what he does best — making trouble. This time he was jailed for direct contempt for calling Comelec commissioners, “thieves”! He accused the commissioners of accepting P5 million each from Vetellano Acosta who is running for president under the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, Marcos’ old party. Comelec reconsidered Acosta’s candidacy and allowed him to run while they disallowed Pamatong. Pamatong should know by now that BS walks and money talks. Yup, no money, no honey.

Two years ago, Pamatong sued Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales for “human rights violations,” for forcing him to believe in Catholic doctrines, for swindling (tithes or offerings), and for noise disturbance (loud speakers mounted in churches). I won’t be surprised if Pamatong’s name is already on St. Peter’s shit list.

Reminds me of a story which goes: When Gloria Arroyo passed away, she thought that she’ll never be allowed to enter Heaven so she went directly to Hell. “I’m sorry, Gloria,” Satan said, “but you’re not on my list. You should go to Heaven. You might be on Peter’s list.” Gloria got excited and she ran like hell to Heaven. “St. Peter! St. Peter! Satan said I might be on your list.” St. Peter looked up his list several times and said, “Nope. You’re not on my list.” “But I’m not on Satan’s list either,” Gloria insisted. “Well, let me see my other list,” St. Peter said. “Aha! You’re on this list! Actually, you‘re the only one on this list. It’s the shit list, Gloria. You’re assigned to clean up the toilets 24/7 for the rest of your stay here.”

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)