God Interviews the Presidential Wannabes
Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz
Illustration by Dave San Pedro
With 10 candidates running for President of the Philippines, God decided to interview all of them to decide whom to anoint. God asked each of the presidential wannabes the same question: “What would be your first act on Day One of your presidency?”
God: “Who wants to volunteer first?”
Noynoy Aquino: “Me! Me!”
God: “Since you’re the frontrunner, go ahead, Noynoy. Your mom talks highly of you. So, let’s hear what you have in mind.”
Noynoy: “Lord, my first act would be to confiscate all of Marcos’ ill-gotten wealth and use them to build millions of ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes for the poor, provide jobs for the jobless, and feed the hungry. I’ll build a Bagong Pilipinas (new Philippines) in memory of my parents, Ninoy and Cory. Mabuhay ang Bagong Pilipinas!”
God: “Very good! I like your vision of a Bagong Pilipinas. I’m sure your mom and dad will not be disappointed with you. Who’s next?”
Manny Villar: “Bah! ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes are cheap. There’s no profit in building those little homes. I’ve been building homes for more than 30 years, Lord. My first act will be to build roads — like the C-5 Road — all over the Philippines to link all the subdivisions that I’m going build and sell to the people. And then I’ll donate 10% of my profit to Gawad Kalinga so they can build those little homes for the poor.”
God: “That sounds like an excellent business plan. I’m sure that it would make you 100 times richer than you are today. Maybe you should donate 10% of your profits to the Church too. How about you, Gibo?”
Gibo Teodoro: “Lord, with all due respect to Manny, but his roads aren’t going to connect all the 7,000 islands in the country. So I’m going to build bridges and tunnels to connect all the islands.”
God: “Wow wow wee! That’s fantastic! And do you think that you’ll accomplish all that in six years? You may have to stay in power for at least another 30 years just to finish a fraction of your plan. It might be worth keeping you in power as long as you continue building bridges. Let me think about it.”
Gibo: “Actually, that’s my personal agenda, Lord. I have to stay in power until all the bridges and tunnels are completed. I’ll transform our beloved Pilipinas into an ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ in 20 years.”
God: “Enchanted kingdom? Twenty years? Hmmm… I heard that line before. Well… How about you, Dick?”
Dick Gordon: “Lord, that Global Balita editor didn’t call me ‘Flashy Dick’ for nothing! My plan is to fire all government employees and replace them with thousands of Red Cross volunteers. You see, I used volunteers to convert Subic Naval Base into an international free port. Look what it is today.”
God: “You’re indeed flashy, Dick. I like your idea of using volunteers. You’re pretty good at that. Keep up the good work. How about you, Bro. Eddie?”
Bro. Eddie Villanueva: “Lord, I believe that prayers can perform miracles. I’ll make it mandatory for all Filipinos to pray 10 times a day. Look at the Arabs! They only pray five times a day and they’re very wealthy. The Filipinos will become the wealthiest people on Earth!”
God: “Sounds like a great idea. Rest assured that I’ll hear their prayers, my loyal follower. I just want to make sure that the people will pray to me and not to Allah, okay? Let’s move on. How about you, Nick?”
Nick Perlas: “Lord, since I’m an environmentalist, I’ll save all the forests. To achieve that would require that we stop using paper products. The Philippines will be the first ‘paperless society’ on Earth. No more paper money. No more newspapers. No more toilet paper. The country is having water shortage too, so we need to conserve water as well. To achieve that, I’ll invent a waterless bidet that would only use air to do its work. I’ll also make it mandatory for every citizen over 18 years of age to have a computer at home so they can check my Facebook every day.”
God: “Excellent! You are going to save the Earth from destruction. More power to you, Nick. I’m glad the Comelec accepted your Certificate of Candidacy. Nick, we need people like you. I salute you. Who’s next? John Carlos?”
John Carlos de los Reyes: “I don’t really know what to do if I get elected, Lord. I’m new in the political game and the youngest of the candidates. However, if I win, I will stop corruption and send all the corrupt officials to jail and.…”
God: “Enough! I’ve heard that line since Quezon’s time and that’s not going to happen in your lifetime, kiddo. Good try, though. You’re next, Jamby.”
Jamby Madrigal: “Thank you, Lord! I just want you to know that I’m the only woman running for president. If elected, I will fight for women’s rights! I will also…”
God: “I agree with you Jamby. But we’re running out of time. Next!”
Vetellano Acosta: “I’m the standard bearer of the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, the late president Ferdinand Marcos’ political party. If elected, I’ll build a monument to Apo Ferdinand that would be higher than the Quezon Memorial. I will also…”
God: “Stop it! That’s not going to happen, pal. Not in my lifetime. Okay? Let’s see who’s the best…”
Erap Estrada: “Hold it! Hold it, Lord! How about me?”
God: “Oh, I’m sorry, Erap. I didn’t know you’re still in the race. Okay, Let’s hear what’s in your mind.”
Erap: “Don’t underestimate my ability, Lord. I’m the oldest in this group but I’m wiser than a turkey.”
God: “You mean to say, ‘wiser than an owl,’ right?”
Erap: “Same thing. My first act as President would be to file plunder charges against President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. She grabbed the presidency from me in 2001 and cheated my best friend Fernando Poe Jr. in 2004. It’s payback time, Lord. An eye for an eye! And I promise you that if she’s convicted, I will never pardon her! Lintik lang ang walang ganti!”
God: “Aha! You know, you’re the only one who thought of punishing Gloria for all her kalokohan (shenanigans). Erap, you’re my man! I hereby anoint you as the country’s next President.”
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Subic Today, Perry Diaz. Perry Diaz said: http://globalbalita.com/2010/01/17/god-interviews-the-presidential-wannabes/ [...]
Well, this is a 100% pure KALOKOHAN!
Hello Perry,
Thanks a lot!
I love your Balitang Kusero…. its real Filipino facts….. hanggang kamatayan ay may Graft and Corruption pa din…
Ang mga Candidates natin ay wala na ba silang pangarap kong papaano naman guminhawa nag Masang Pilipino? Lagi na lang pinauubaya sa Diyos di naman sila gumagawa…. Tama ba ako sa sinasabi ko….Ang Taong Bayang Filipino ay dapat nang magising sa katotohanan….
Pero: Ang masasabi ko lang ay maghunos dili din tayo kasi… lumalabas na halos di na kumikilos ang Taong Bayan kung papaano Paunlarin ang naghihirap nating Lupang Tinubuan. Di ba?
Nakakahiya,
Bueno Silva
(Sent by email)
Hi Bueno,
Thanks for your comments. Sana naman na iboto ng ating mga kababayan ang candidato na honest and sincere, hindi yung corrupt na magpapayaman sa kanilang puesto.
Gumagalang,
Perry
Hi Angel,
Ha ha ha… Ikaw naman, hindi ka na mabiro.
Cheers,
Perry
Perry,
What Marcos ill-gotten would Noynoy confiscate? Baka guni-guni lang ni Noynoy yan. Eh, nakum-fiscate ng lahat nila Pandak at Taba and company ang ill-gotten wealth.
Mabuhay ngarud si Erap! Si Erap para sa mga mapangarap na mahihirap!
Mananalo kaya yan si Noynoy? Baka pangarap lang din yan, hindi kaya?
Hey, once again, thanks for the laughter. Kay Gibo pa rin ako, kahit na anong sabihin mo. May green card: pangarap ng mga Pilipino.
Pareng Jesse,
Na-giba na si Gibo. Dapat ang palayaw niya ay “Giba.” Iniwanan na siya ni Gloria. Ha ha ha…
Malabo na si Villar gawa ng “guilty” verdict ng Senado.
Talagang exciting ang Pinoy politics. Kung sino ang malakas mangdaya ay siya ang mananalo. Like they say, “In a Philippine election there are no losers, only the winner and those who were cheated.” Sino kaya?
Cheers,
Perry
Hi. Please be fair with your articles. I know it gets pretty entertaining but with articles involving all presidentiables please be fair. It’s funny how a president convicted of 2 cases of plunder and corruption still gets to be reelected by God pa.
Very interesting commentary!
CJ AVP
(Sent by email)
Hi Kristoff,
Balitang Kutsero is a humorous column.
Cheers,
Perry
We just talked to the contractor of the houses in Portofino heights that Mr. Villar owns.
Villar gave it to contractor for 4 Million contract
Contractor confided that ang actual price ng construction ay 2.5 ng Million lang kaya me tubo ang contractor ng 1.5 M.
Binenta naman ni Villar ng 12 Million.
Aba at tubong lugaw talaga tong si Manny.
Cool!
I like it!
Perry,
Know what, di ko na makuhang tumawa sa article mo. As I look at it, nakakapanglumo talaga ang situation sa atin.
Ang mga candidato talaga…mukhang pare-pareho lang sila.
We really need to wake up and get involved this time. We really need to choose someone who could bring us up and get away from poverty.
So far….I am still confused and not decided yet which one I should campaign and vote for.
Can you write something like about optimism Perry?
Thanks.
Susie Barbieri
Paris, France
Ang sabi ng Taong Bayan, God, kami ang papatay sa kanya, kaya huwag mo na payagan na manalo pa siya bilang Pangulo ng Pilipina, never again the horrible spell that the devils did before.
Erap pA rin, tunay na nagmamahal sa mga mahihirap.
ERAP par rin….
I like this tongue in check approach
max
Hi Max,
Good to hear from you! Glad you like it.
Cheers,
Perry
Pareng Perry,
Approve ako sa sinabi mo: Gibo fo Giba. LOL. Dahil nagiba na. Kay Noynoy naman, how about “Ningning”? LOL. You get my drift, kabsat?
Jesse
Got your drift, pareng Jesse. I’d be mad if somebody called me “ningning.” Ha ha ha…
Perry
imbes na giba for gibo, bigo na lang .. nandoon pa lahat ng letra ..
Subscribe
Advertising
Pages
Categories
Archives
Tags
Advertising
Categories
Recent Posts