Balitang Kutsero
by Perry Diaz

Is Dick Gordon getting desperate? He just fired the first salvo against Noynoy Aquino in the “Demolition War of 2010.” In a press release, “Flashy Dick” Gordon said, “It is not Facebook that matters here, it is not your face that matters.” Whoa! Has he been drinking? Well, let’s look at the Facebook numbers. Noynoy has 210,988 supporters while Flashy Dick has 2,894. My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec said that Noynoy’s response to Flashy Dick was: “Eat your heart out because dehin ka pogi at dehin ka pa goli (you’re not handsome and you don’t take a bath). Ako ay pogi na, goli pa (I’m handsome and I take a bath). Ha ha ha…” Attaboys! Keep firing until the last man standing!

Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather agreed to go to mediation to settle the “blood testing” issue. When reporters asked Pacquiao if he was comfortable mediating with Mayweather, Pacquiao responded, “Oki lang sa akin (It’s okay with me) because I’m used to it. I always meditate before a fight.” Huh?

I just learned that Pacquiao didn’t want to fight junior middleweight champion Yuri Foreman for a shot at his eighth world title in eight weight classes. His reason was he is 5-½ inches shorter than Foreman. However, Pacquiao confided to James that his real reason was it would be like David fighting Goliath. “But Goliath lost to David!” James said. Pacquiao stared at him and said, “Look, dummy! The only reason Goliath lost was David used a slingshot!”

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The eight presidential wannabes were in a plane heading to Mindanao for a candidates’ forum when the captain announced that three engines died and the plane had only one engine left running. He then said that the plane could make it to the nearest airport only if three passengers jumped out. Silence.

Noynoy Aquino broke the silence and said, “Since I’m the frontrunner in poll ratings, I find it my duty for love of country and my late parents, Ninoy and Cory, to sacrifice myself and be the first to jump out. He cried, “Adios, patria adorada (Farewell, dear fatherland)” and jumped out of the plane. Silence.

Manny Villar broke the silence and said, “With Noynoy gone, I’m now the frontrunner. And like Noynoy, I find it my duty for love of country and my people to sacrifice my life.” He shouted, “Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (Long live the Philippines!)” and jumped out of the plane. Silence… silence…

Gibo Teodoro broke the long silence, turned to Erap, and said, “Well, Erap, with Noynoy and Manny gone, you are now the frontrunner, isn’t it? Therefore, for love of country and your many wives and mistresses, it’s now your turn to jump out. Come on Erap, do it!”

Erap Estrada scratched his head. Silence… Then he slowly stood up shaking and with his voice quivering, said, “I… guess… it’s my turn, huh?” He looked around and then said, “For love of my beloved Pilipinas and the powerless poor, I plan to continue my program which I started during my first presidency.” Then he shouted, “Erap para sa mahirap! (Erap for the poor!),” turned around, grabbed Gibo and pushed him out of the plane.

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A news report says that the ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD is thinking of repackaging the image of Gibo Teodoro to increase his chances of winning the presidential race. They said that Gibo could be the next Manuel Quezon. No kidding? Quezon was well known for his battle cry, “I prefer a government run like hell by Filipinos to a government run like heaven by Americans!” We’re already in hell, what else could Gibo do?

Another news report says that Lakas-Kampi-CMD could deliver up to 10.8 million votes for Gibo. With Gibo’s anemic 4% poll rating, how are they going to do that? Virgilio “Garci” Garcillano delivered only three million votes to Gloria in 2004, enough to give her one million votes more than her opponent. Garci and his boys used “dagdag-bawas” (add-subtract) to fix the numbers. I’m beginning to suspect that the “Garci boys” will only use “dagdag-dagdag” this time. Yup, just keep adding them up, boys!

Gibo urged the Commission on Elections to prepare a contingency plan in the event that the Precinct Count Optical Scan (PCOS) machines were not delivered in time for the May 10 elections. Gibo has nothing to worry about because a contingency plan is already in place which has been thoroughly tested during the 2004 and 2007 elections. In both elections, the “Garci boys” did a fantastic job in counting all the votes. That… is the contingency plan.

By the way, Gibo recently adopted “green” as his signature color for his campaign. I think “green” makes him sentimentally nostalgic. He’s been used to seeing green when he lived and practiced law in New York. Yup, he had a “green card” then and lots of 100-dollar greenbacks in his wallet.

Not to be outdone by the Liberal Party’s plan to raise a 500,000-strong “Yellow Army” to monitor the polls, the Nacionalista Party is going to raise a “rainbow army” of one million volunteers. Gibo is not fazed at all cuz he has at his disposal Gloria’s private armies — the Armed Forces of the Philippines and the Philippine National Police. That’s more than 2 million people, and they’re all armed to the teeth.

Gloria appointed Undersecretary Antonio Villar Jr. as chairman of the Dangerous Drugs Board. Villar said that as the new anti-drug czar he “will work hard to reduce, if not entirely eliminate, illegal drugs.” Villar, who concurrently serves as Gloria’s anti-smuggling czar, also said, “I have lost friends and political allies when I took the reins as anti-smuggling czar, and I am now expecting more foes as I push the legacy of the government [war] against drugs.” Well, from what I heard Czar-Czar Villar and Mike Arroyo are still very good friends. Hey! friendship goes a long way in politics.

Gloria ordered defense and military officials to promote soldiers who “professionally implemented martial law in Maguindanao.” “Those who were assigned to implement martial law in Maguindanao showed our people that the Philippines is a law abiding democratic nation and upholds the rule of law and respects human rights, I thank our soldiers very much for that,” Gloria said. With 50 new generals, 100 new colonels, 250 new majors, and 500 new captains, Gloria can now impose martial law in the entire country. As Gloria’s granddaughter once said, “What lola wants, lola gets.”

(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)