by Perry Diaz
When Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s five-year-old granddaughter Marie Angelique — Mikey’s daughter — was asked by reporters what her Christmas wish was, she said, “I wish that my ‘lola’ (grandmother), I mean… I hope she’ll be President forever!” Makes one wonder if that was wishful thinking or self-fulfilling prophecy?
Now, that wouldn’t sit well with the eight presidential wannabes who are spending billions of pesos and thousands of hours only to see Lola Gloria keep the presidency for life!
My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec immediately called his “Deep Truth” informer in Malacanang and asked her the scoop on this. “Deep Truth” told James that there is a clamor among Gloria’s family members for her to remain President forever so they can all live happily in their “Enchanted Kingdom.” Then she said, “What Lola wants, Lola gets.” Masama na ito! (This is getting really bad!)
James called the top four presidential wannabes and asked their opinions. Here’s what they said:
Noynoy Aquino: “No way! I’ll will not allow that to happen! I’ll lead my Yellow Army to attack Malacanang and oust Gloria. It will be another people power revolution and — like my mom — I’ll be proclaimed President.”
Manny Villar: “I already spent billions buying votes. I won’t let that happen. With the leftists and communists on my left and the Marcos loyalists and oligarchs on my right, I’ll lead my Orange Army to attack Malacanang and oust Gloria. The presidency is mine!”
Erap Estrada: “I’ll tell all my wives and mistresses to rally the people to demand Gloria’s ‘constructive resignation.’ Gloria used that against me when she ousted me in 2001. It’s now my turn. It’s payback time!”
Gibo Teodoro: “Malaki and utang na loob kay Gloria (I owe Gloria a big debt of gratitude). I am loyal to her. Gloria forever! Gloria forever! Gloria forever!” Naloko na naman tayo! (We’ve been fooled again!)
Ninety-one out of the 99 persons who filed their certificates of candidacy for president were disqualified by Comelec as “nuisance” candidates. Here’s some of them:
Self-proclaimed “international lawyer” Ely Pamatong, who was disqualified when he first ran for president in 2004, claimed that “he is better than anyone who has run for office before, making him wonder why the poll body had previously proclaimed him a nuisance candidate.” Well, as someone once said, “once a nuisance, always a nuisance.”
But Pamatong said: “I may not be a billionaire pero may utak ako (but I have brains). I scored 92 percent in the American Bar exams, graduate ako sa UP, Silliman University, undefeated debater ako sa UP, tapos tinawag akong nuisance (and you call me a nuisance)?” Well, these are good enough reasons why Pamatong has been disqualified: he is overqualified for the job.
Nick Perlas, who was also disqualified from running for president, said that his support from the Green Party of France and 50 other countries prove his “national and global presence.” But his ratings in polls taken in the Philippines were virtually zero. Maybe Nick should move to France and run for President there.
Mark Jimenez, a former congressman representing Manila, was also disqualified from running for president. He told the Comelec: “The only reason why I’m not qualified is because you are all afraid of me, everybody knows that.” Yup, Mark is right. Having served time in a U.S. federal prison, Mark could really be intimidating to some people.
Noel Aguirre, who claimed to be an “inventor,” was also disqualified from running for president. He said that he is more qualified to run than Sen. Jamby Madrigal. Noel said that he and Jamby were in the same situation — they’re both running as independent. But the big difference is: Jamby is a multi-billionaire heiress with no talent while Noel is a multi-talented inventor with no money. It’s a no-brainer, Noel.
By the way, former president Erap Estrada celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary with his first wife, former Senator Luisa Ejercito in December. Erap said that he believes strongly in the “sanctity of marriage.” Yup, that’s why he “married” six other women so he can be “sanctified” seven times. Does that make him a sanctimonious polygamist?
Erap, who was ousted by Gloria, convicted of plunder, and then pardoned by Gloria, might not win the presidency this time, but Jinggoy, his first son by his first wife, is now the frontrunner in the senatorial race. Jinggoy seems like he’s following the footsteps of his father… all the way to the presidency. And then what? Well, I hope it would stop right there.
Meanwhile, Gibo Teodoro was busy campaigning to improve his poor poll ratings. At a marketplace in Lucena, Gibo asked the fish vendors, “Do you have ‘tampal’ fish?” The vendors laughed. His wife, Nikki, asked what kind of fish was that? Gibo replied, “I can’t tell you in public because it’s censored.” Then he whispered, “It’s called tampal-puki.” “Bastos!” I googled “tampal-puki” and it’s real. It’s a fish shaped like a human palm. “Tampal” is a Tagalog word that means “to slap with the hand.” Talagang bastos!
Happy New Year!